It'll be lonely this Christmas

So it's Christmas eve, and while most people are now with either their friends or family, i am just sat at my desk writing this. My dad - who doesn't celebrate Christmas - is downstairs totally oblivious to just how lonely and sad i am. My mum, step dad, brother and brothers girlfriend have probably just come back from the traditional Christmas outing to an old fashioned English village which is stunningly beautiful.

My mum rang me today, asking if i wanted to go but i refused. The audacity of that woman! She just expects everything to be forgotten. Well tough. That doesn't happen. People can't just move on from some things. All i want to do is talk things over, but nope. She just wants to "forget", whilst not actually forgetting, just letting all the bad feelings fester under the surface until one day, they'll come exploding out.

So i'm sat here still feeling numb, betrayed, and totally forgotten about like the other day. And i'll more than likely be waking up late tomorrow, and remembering how i'm feeling once more. My first Christmas where i will be well and truly alone and devoid of Christmas cheer.

But to everyone else, Merry Christmas!! I hope you all truly enjoy yourselves! And i hope you get everything you have been wanting, whether that's presents or family! xx

On the precipice.

My mum attacked me.

We were on a family holiday, i told her she was being annoying - she was very drunk at the time i said this. And i'm not gonna lie, i said it with attitude. But the next night we had a little argument, she stormed out of the room and a few seconds later came back, and attacked me. My top was ripped off, my back was scratched and bleeding. My chest, face, arm, throat and leg were also bleeding. I couldn't walk properly because she had either kicked or punched me in the ribs. She sustained two bruises on her arm from me holding her down in self defense.

I had to take a week off work because i physically couldn't stand for longer than a few minutes. We weren't talking.

Long story short, she came over after a month and apologised. I accepted. But our relationship hasn't been the same. The other day - now two months later, she told me she only apologised to keep the piece in the family, not for me. She went on holiday when we were supposedly all made up and didn't tell me, although she told her ex husband, my dad. And within 2 weeks she started doing our little 'Cinema on Tuesday/Wednesday' tradition with someone else. She blames me for ruining the holiday with my little remark. She doesn't think that attacking me was any worse than me shooting a snide comment her way.

I'm emotionally numb. I grep up with her being slap happy but i'm an adult now, and you don't expect someone to do that to another adult. I don't feel anything, not towards her, not towards me, not towards anything. I'm spending Christmas alone, while my family gather at her house. 

And i'm just lost. I need to escape. But i can't because i don't yet have enough money saved.

I need to get out of this toxic situation.  

Food Diary - day 1

I'm feeling much better about myself lately. I still feel a need to be 126lbs, but i no longer want to ruin my health for it. So food for tomorrow will be...

Breakfast - Porridge with syrup

Lunch - Salad with cous cous

Dinner - Broccoli, peas, potatoes and vegan sausage 

Snack - Fruit, vegan bar and mixed nuts

B is for Brazilian

Yesterday i got talking to one of my co-workers and we happened to start talking about "lady gardening". Now i've wanted to have a brazilian for at least a year, and after her telling me that she has one done i was nearly convinced. The tipping stone was when she told me the beauty salon i.e. torture chamber is literally only a minute walk from work... Well that was it. On my break i, and my impulsive self calmly walked down to the salon, knocked on the door, and walked in... I'm not sure what was worse, me talking about my lady area whilst trying not to blush or giggle, or the waxer talking about ingrown hairs, positions, hair length, in a calm almost sadistic way.
But i booked one, and not wanting to leave much space in time for me to cancel it, i booked it for the next day i.e. today. How do you prepare for these type of things?? I've exfoliated, soaped up and am deliberating putting channel perfume down there. It doesn't smell but i feel like i should offer the beautician something nice seeing that she's gonna be rummaging around "there" for quite a while...
I'll post an update later telling you all how it goes.

UPDATE

So after all the worrying and preening, it actually wasn't that bad. It hurt for a split second when the wax was ripped away but then it was fine. I'd say the overall pain was a 4 out of 10. Although in one place - just above your clitoral hood is - it hurt like hell! Like a 8/10. I actually screamed out.. Although i think that was more because of the surprise of the pain, not the pain itself. I'd definitely recommend people having it done. Although i do have a high pain threshold, so if you have a low pain threshold i'd suggest just having the bikini line done first, as a warm up. But a few pointers first:

• Get some recommendations. (A friend recommended me)
• Don't worry about their age. Worry about their technique.
• Make sure the waxer doesn't double dip the wooden wax stick thing.
• Clean that thing up before you go. No one wants to see your parts when they haven't been washed.

Just do it!

I'm now 10st 6lbs. That's 146lbs. Holy shit, i've put on 20lbs in the last 18 months. I didn't even realize i had gained 20lbs until i started writing this. That is disgusting.What's more my brother and his Audrey Hepburn lookalike girlfriend are coming down tomorrow. She's spanish, wears no makeup and is like a size 6. She's basically stunning and leaves me feeling self conscious even when i'm at a lower weight. I need to be back to 126lbs for my 19th. Realistically that's easy to do even with a normal diet. So i'll eat up to 1000 calories everyday, but no more.

I've also decided to start sharing a few horses with an old school friend/acquaintance. She's super loud, stupid and all around annoying, but as long as i can have some one on one time with the horses i'll be happy. So i'm gonna be working 3 times a week, which should be about 18 hours. On the days i'm not working i'll spend my time down the stables riding. And not eating. How hard can eating only 1000 calories be, especially when i've literally become a fat lump. This is the last time i see 146lbs on the scale.

M x

Carb Monster

I am out of control. As soon as i was left to my own devices i literally ran into the kitchen and ate; pot of hummus, 4 weetabix with almond milk and a lot of sugar, rice and curried lentils, chips, hummus sandwich and a jam sandwich. I think i'm addicted to carbs.
I read today that people crave carbohydrates when they have either low blood sugar, or a diet that lacks essential vitamins.. Now although i don't eat a lot of processed sugar, i do eat quite a substantial amount of fruit (i.e. natural sugars). So seeing as i'm a vegan and therefor i don't really have a varied diet i'm pinning my carb cravings on the latter . So starting tomorrow i am going to start taking multi-vitamins. Hopefully these will help. In fact i'm counting on them to help, not just for the health of my body but for my sanity. I'm picking fights because i'm just so damn frustrated and annoyed with myself over the binging.

On a happier note, the amount of sexy guys that come into my work that i can openly flirt with and be flirted with is astonishing! Nearly every 20 minutes there's either a sexy musician dude, a suited up guy, a stubbly, tattooed, downright grungy gorgeous man, or a cyclist with the most amazing bum. It has gotten to the stage of me being branded horny by my co-workers. Which is obviously bloody true! I need sex!

Tomorrow i will have:

A portion of mixed nuts - 150 cals

Stirfry - 230 cals

Apple - 70

Loads of veggies - 200(?)

Customary 2 litters of water with squash - 50

Total - 700 calories

"If you can't accept me at my worst, you

sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!"

-Marilyn Monroe

Deja vu

I'm at a high 144lbs. I haven't been this high since i was 15. Since starting a strenuous job i have started having porridge with almond milk (250), but today i can't bring myself to do that. I've had a handful of raspberries and an apple. Which comes to a total of 100 calories for breakfast. In work i'll have a mediterranean panini - mixed veg with cheese. But of course i'll take the cheese out before cooking and then discard half of the bread. So absolute maximum for that should be 300 - i hate having to estimate food! When i come home i'll chug some water and then either do a stir fry (210), or i'll go to sleep for an hour or so. I'm also estimating that working 6 hours in a job where i'm either; walking, standing, carrying heavy trays, continuously moving., will burn around 400 calories. So in total that should come to 510 calories. Although counting in some squash, i'll bring it up to 550 calories.

Handful of raspberries - 30

Apple - 70

Panini - 300 (max!)

Stirfry - 210

Squash and water - 40

Total - 550

Minus 400 for exercise/work - 150

Sorry how this post has been written out. I realize i'm not the best blogger when it comes to structuring my posts.. Anyway, a nice quote from 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' (1971) - 

"If you want to view paradise,

simply look around and view it."

Back in Time

I don't know why i want to go back to the time of 126lbs. I was so unhappy back then, and i was just as miserable if not a bit more, about my weight as well. But i feel like my life has taken a turn for the worse, and so i need to be back to 126lbs. But i just can't stop binging. At least back then i had a dieting buddy. Someone i could share my problems with. I miss that.
On Monday i might fast for a few days. I'm so miserable and so lonely. I want a friend who i can talk about with all my food and body thoughts.

Edit:- I just calculated my "ideal weight" in this online calculator thing. Now i knwo these things are more often than not, crap. But telling me ideal weight as a 5'9 woman is 152, but at least ranging between 135 and 168, is utter bullshit. I'm 140lbs now and i look chubby. God can only imagine what i would look like in the 160's...
On another note, i've decided to just eat as little as possible. But not counting calories. Therefore i won't freak out and binge if i go over my allotted amount of calories.

Mx

Sing song letters

Yesterday was brilliant, eating wise! I followed my plan to a tea and, voila! It worked. Today? Not so much. I think because i didn't write/type it down then i felt like i didn't have to follow it. Like what was the point? Basically, i binged. Throughout the damn day! So tomorrow i will be having:

Porridge with golden syrup - 250

Apple - 70

Roasted vegetables - 150

Mixed Nuts - 130

Rice with peas and onion - 450(?)

Total - 1050

Yesterday i also got asked out by a guy i've known since year 9 of secondary school.. I'm gonna say no but i don't know how to say it without hurting him. I mean we're good friends and all, but i think we're good friends because i don't see him that often. He has the exact same personality as me and an extremely dry sense of humor which i love! But he also has the capabilities of being passively controlling, which is not what i want. And although he's the same age as me, he's still a boy. I want a man. And i want to be courted - is that too much to ask for in the 21st century?!  Don't get me wrong i don't expect hand written letters and serenades but, i want cheesy romance and to feel both terrified and completely safe at the same time. Maybe i'm after something i've read so many times in my various books. Maybe it's not out here in the real world. Or maybe, just maybe, if i hang on just a little while, my soul mate will appear. Here's hoping!

M x 

Child bearing hips.

I've always been small chested - 36A and proud! And i've always had slightly wide hips, but oh my god. If i lived in the 18th century and the whole 'women with red hair are witches' thing didn't exist, men would have been throwing themselves at me and my extra wide child bearing hips. I've just put on a "skater skirt", the ones that are supposed to be flattering on any figure, and i look hippy. Like i said i've always had wide hips, and i've always known that because i have small boobs i have to keep my hips in check so my body looks proportioned. Apparently, my body doesn't think so! It looks like my hips are proportioned so wide apart that i could give birth to a rhino with relative ease. And that's all because i have let myself lose control, and therefor fat has found it's little hibernating spot on my hips, bum and thighs. Even my stomach is starting to look soft! 

So i am doing a food plan. And instead of just writing my food plan down in my planner/diary, i'll also write in on my blog the day before. My food for tomorrow is - 

Porridge with golden syrup - 250

Apple - 70

Stirfry - 250 

Three bean soup - 300

Orange - 50

2 litres of water with squash - 60

Total - 980 Calories

In other news i was playing with my dog yesterday, and she's lurking in the area of nearly a mature dog and still being a puppy. Well her puppy self lets her get carried away when playing. So basically she accidentally bit me yesterday with her very adult teeth. She didn't pierce the skin but my arm is painful to the touch, red and blue, and slightly swollen. As soon as she did it, she stopped, slowly walked over to me and started licking 'the wound', bless her. I wanted to kill her and hug her all at the same time.

Oh and before i forget, i figured out that i'm only getting about £60 a week with my part time job. Which means i have to find another part time job. As soon as i do i think i'll get a Brazilian wax and join my local gym...

M x

Binge freaking binge

So i've been awol lately - again.. Mentally, i've had a crap week, and all the crap-ness revolves around the anxiety i have with food and my body. I am more than disappointed with myself, especially after giving that big speech like post last time i was on here about i had changed for good. The thing is at the moment the good days aren't outweighing the bad, it's the other way around. I thought what with me getting the job i've wanted since i was 12, and with a little Nissan Micra soon to be mine that i would be happy. But i'm not. I need to be thin. And i desperately want someone to share my life with. But it seems that i've wrapped my entire life up in a cocoon and nobody can penetrate it. I'm so incredibly unhappy.

So from now on i'll be having 500 calories every day. Except on my work days where i'll have 800 cals. Hopefully i'll see 126lbs flash up on my scales in a couple months this way.

Talking of weight, i went to have my measles injection yesterday and in the process i had an asthma check up. Well for some reason your weight and height is needed for this. So i reluctantly stepped on the scales to show all my fatty glory to the nurse and 138lbs. Fuck my life. To add insult to injury, today my ordered clothes came. And the size 10 that i always buy in jeans from this store were too small. I was horrified, and tried them on twice just to make sure that they in fact did not fit me in the slightest. So i'm not sure whether to return them or keep them just in case i somehow manage to fit in them one day? Anyway that incident sparked another binge episode. I've probably had near enough 3000 calories today, if not more.. Feel free to be disgusted in me. I know i am.

M x

Aunty

Today i found out i'm going to be an Aunty. My eldest brother and his wife of 1 year announced to me they were 7 weeks pregnant with their first child. This has put a lot of my thoughts into perspective. I refuse to be the Aunty who is more concerned about eating than taking her niece or nephew for an ice-cream (although i still plan to be vegan). Not just that, but when the baby is my age i will be 37. 37! It feels like my entire life has also been put into perspective. I want to be something for my niece or nephew. Whether that be a manager at my coffee shop or be a registered dietitian. All i know is that i want that child to look up to me.

So this is the end of my extremely low calorie diet. I may still have the odd bad day where i restrict, but as long as the good days outweigh the bad, then i know i'm on the right track. I'm still going to blog, but i'm going to blog about inspirational things.

At the moment i have some home cooked chips in the oven covered in cajun spice, baked beans and broccoli. Today has been extremely peacful for me, and hopefully soon i can welcome the new member of the family to all you guys. Not until Christmas though, as he or she is a Christmas miracle!

M x

Love

It feels like everything is slowly slipping into place. I have the job i've wanted since i was 12 and i get to work with the happiest and cookiest people ever. I genuinely enjoy work. All i need now is to meet a handsome man, who will hopefully sometime soon come into my little coffee shop. And he'll hopefully at the very least be into books, movies and care about animals. I think i'm finally ready to have a boyfriend. I feel emotionally stable in that area of my life. I want to laugh, cuddle, play fight, watch movies, actually fight, drink in a pub and meet his friends, have lots of love filled sex, and i want to fall asleep next to someone special feeling totally contented. I want to be in love. The kind of love where i wake up and think of him, the kind that i don't mind embarrassing myself with cheesy valentine gifts, the kind that consumes me.

But until that someone special comes into my life i'm happy fantasizing about Zachary Quinto as Spock. What a gorgeous half vulcan, half human he is!

M x

Pictures

This is me. My legs are out of shape and look shapeless and my hips look like i'm about to give birth to the Titanic. So far i've eaten 350 calories today, but i know that on the skinny girl diet you're not supposed to count fruit and veg, which technically leaves my calorie consumption at 250. I will get back down to 126 - 128 lbs.

M x

Skinny girl

Tomorrow i'm going to post some pictures of my grotesque body. I feel fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. What's more, i binged. Again. I've eaten nearly an entire packet of pasta throughout the day. Not to count the weetabix, and beans on toast. I'm miserable. I hate myself. And i hate that i haven't really posted anything uplifting. I'm probably tiring to read. In a way i wish that people knew how unhappy i am, but whenever i'm with someone i put on a mask of happiness, that diminishes as soon as i'm left alone.

Also, i'm also starting the 'Healthy Skinny Girl, because for some reason even though i'm disgusting i still want to remain healthy. I desperately don't want to ruin my health for the long term. Here's a link for the 'Healthy skinny Girl' diet, just in case anyone else wants to follow it -

http://thinspirationaljourney.wordpress.com/2012/06/24/the-healthy-skinny-girl-diet/

M x

I got a job at Coffee #1! Happiest girl ever!

Plan.

So i'm now a high 10st. It is 23:45 so chances are i'm a pound or two lighter, but for now i am a disgustingly large 140lbs. My new plan is to lose 10 - 12 lbs, aiming to lose 1lbs a week. I know this is an extremely low and slow way of losing the pounds. But i figure if i don't put too much pressure on myself then i'll be more successful, and therefore maybe lose 2+ of fat (not water weight) a week. It also means that if i step on the scales an i've only lost a dismal pound i won't feel too bummed out.
With me starting quite an energetic job soon - at coffee #1! - where i'll be on my feet for at least 5 hours a day rushing around, the weight should hopefully drop off. Having to stand up and walk around while carrying heavy trays, and mot being able to eat anything there because i'm a vegan? Brilliant!
I also have my teeth whitening here, so i'll be using that for 4 - 5 hours a day. Within those hours i can't eat or drink (i can maybe have water), which is another good distraction.

Anyway tomorrow i'll post some pictures of my disgusting  untoned, dumpy, chunky body. Hopefully this will keep me motivated and i'll be able to post slimmer pictures in a month or so..

M x

P.s. I actually feel kinda lost when none of the people i'm following actually post anything for days. Whether it's happy or sad, just know that reading your words takes me out of my world. Even if only for 5 minutes.

Habitual Eater

I solemnly swear that i am, a habitual eater. I didn't realize until today. I woke up at 8:00 and went downstairs to get my daily apple for breakfast, and there were no apples. I just stared blankly into the fridge. Perhaps hoping that if i concentrated enough, maybe an apple would materialize out of nowhere.. No such luck. What followed was a minor freak out, several 'rechecks' in the fridge and me walking around the house aimlessly. Well that was it. Day ruined. In my screwed up head, because i couldn't have the breakfast that i always have - no exception - i thought "fuck it". Binge mode!

As i was up early so my dad could go to hospital to have his heart checked - he had major heart surgery when i was 2 - i decided to pop into Waitrose, and get a '5 a day selection'. That was the start of the end. So, i may have forgotten a few things, but here's my list (and the calories i remember):

5 a day fruit selection - 224

Pom bear crisps - 97

Soy latte - 150

Shreddies with almond milk - 250

Jam sandwich - 150

Linda McCartney pie - 412

Vegetables - 50

Jam sandwich x2 - 300

McCoys - 200

Nuts - 200

Total: 2033

I'm a blimp.

I've also realized that me on 500 calories a day doesn't function. Especially since i'll be starting a job where i'm on my feet for 12 hours a day soon. So every other day i'll eat 500 calories, and on the in-between days i'll eat a 'normal' 1500 - 2000 cals. Hopefully this will also stop my body from going into fat storing starvation mode.

And lastly, hello to my second follower! I'm sorry i couldn't welcome you with a more upbeat post... But seeing i have another follower has lifted my mood considerably! Although i will give you a good inspirational quote.

M x

"It is during our darkest moments

that we must focus to

see the light."

Nak'd

Nak'd bars are awesome. If you haven't tried them, then i seriously suggest you do! The 'Cocoa orange' one is actually better than chocolate in my opinion. It's like 'Terry's chocolate orange' brownie, only vegan with no gluten or wheat. And the 'Strawberry crunch' tastes like summer!

Anyway today i seem to be back on track. Intake:

Apple

1 Carrot stick

Nak'd strawberry crunch

Nak'd cocoa orange

Frosted shreddies

Almond milk

500 calories

Keep safe everyone! M x

Some sort of philistine

Binged. Ate 2500 calories so far. I don't know what wrong with me. I haven't been this out of control with my eating in 6 months. Food has started controlling me and i am not okay with that. My jeans are so tight they feel like some sort of constricting snake. Binge freaking binge. My legs are actually chubby. I'm not stupid so i know i can't have the body i did when i was 15 as i'm now a bloody 'woman'. When i told my mum i want to lose weight she actually encouraged me. She used to worry when i said that and say anything to try and stop me. Where has my control gone?!

Tomorrow i am going to wake up, eat an apple and drink a pint of water. And then i'll go upstairs and watch 'A secret between friends/When friendship kills' and 'For the love of Nancy', hoping that this will essentially trigger me so i can resume my forgotten control around food.

I'm feeling extremely down and disgusting today. Some would say blimp like. Not even lying out on a blanket, in the garden while the sun shone and i read 'The Child Thief' cheered me up... Roll on teeth whitening and starting my job (which will keep my eating at bay)!

Sorry for another depressing post. I always feel like i should be chirpy but lately i'm just not.

M x

Edit: 3000 calories. Christ sake.

5:2 Diet

I had a good old chat with my brilliant dentist earlier, and somehow we got onto the subject of food. Well basically he told me he's doing the latest 5:2 Diet. He's lost loads of weight, and quite frankly he looks brilliant! Basically twice a week you have a "fast" day, where women only eat 500 calories and men 600. Then on the other days you can eat your normal 1500 - 2500 calories. I think you've already guessed what i'm gonna say next.. I'm definitely doing this! I am determined to get back down to 126lbs!

Anyway, i binged today. I need to get my eating under control. I'm either restricting to the point of dizziness or, bingeing so bad that my stomach is painful. So intake:

Apple - 70

Beans on Toast - 350

Peanut Butter and Crumpet - 160

Rice - 400

Roasted broccoli and asparagus - 40

6 Jammie Dodgers - 500

2 Jam Sandwiches - 400

Total - 1920 calories

Trying to keep in mind that on Friday i am having my first bout of teeth whitening. That's keeping my feeling above depressed/nearly suicidal.. I think, seeing as i can sleep 'till past midday, tomorrow will be a 500 calorie day. Wish me luck!

M x

Peanut bloody Butter (long post)

My excuse? Sometimes a girl just needs Peanut Butter. Granted, that said girl doesn't need to eat two crumpets slathered with it and then eat a piece of bread again slathered, but this time sharing itself with raspberry conserve.. But the deed is done!

Now it might be the fact that i've just binged (who said vegans can't find unhealthy foods?!), but i have just walked past the mirror while holding my top up slight and i noticed a frigging muffin top. A muffin top people!! It was only minor, but a 19 year old should not have one. End of. So either i buy bigger sized jeans or i slim down. We all know it's gonna be the latter! This means i will have to stop baking my stupidly good vegan brownies, and i won't be able to scamper over to my mums to demolish the Peanut Butter. But hey, if i've managed to go three weeks without a scrap of chocolate/sweets/cake/ice cream, i imagine i can somehow stop myself from avoiding the others...

I am at a high 9st 12 (138lbs), and although i sound relatively cheery, this number makes me angry/upset/disgusted. Feelings of which make me binge, which in turn make my weight go up. Cruel circle! I know what you're thinking, "5ft 9 and weighing 9st 12? That's healthy and slim!" Maybe i have body dysmorphia?

And on another note, i've been eating seriously too much bread lately. Like half a loaf each day (with raspberry conserve)! And it's definitely affected me in a couple areas. My skin is breaking out and my uhh, bowel movements are not as they should be. So a full weeks of high fiber is in order!

This is dress that i have just for weddings (i have one specifically for funerals to..). I've hung it up on my curtain rail to constantly remind myself that i need to lose weight, if i ever want to sit down in it. God forbid if i try and do that now! Otherwise i'll have to just awkwardly stand up with my legs plastered together by the tightness of this dress.. It does give the illusion of the most amazing curves though!

I promise to post at least every other day! M x

Dairy

Yesterday was both good and bad. I had a call from a lady offering me a job in the cute little coffee shop that i've wanted to work in since i was 11. Hopefully after having a 'get to know you' chat with the manager i'll start work sometime next month! Well of course i had a minor binge in a type of celebration/self deprecating way.. So i'm not weighing myself until Sunday, which i'm hoping to see a maximum of 135lbs..

With being a vegan i get asked lots of questions, the main three being, "How do you get protein?", "How do you get calcium?" and "What do you eat?". Okay, first protein can come from nuts, dark leafy veg and soy/rice/nut milk. Right so, dairy and it's numerous problems. Number one being, that the more milk you drink the higher the likelihood of you getting osteoporosis. Why? Because a protein found in milk called Casein is toxic to the body. To counteract this the body uses up it's own calcium stores, which come from our bones to neutralize the Casein. In time our bones become weaker and weaker. Dairy has also so been linked to heart disease. In fact there have been cases where people who have terminal heart disease have cut out all dairy from their diet, and in turn their heart disease has been reversed. No medicine can do this!

On an end note, because i'll be starting a job next month i can no longer do my hair experiment (boo!). But i will be buying 'Lush' products from now on. So i'm now off to have a very soapy bath!!

M x

Eureka moment

So lately i've been trying to keep away from chemicals. And i was actually amazed at how many chemicals we ingest daily, without even thinking about it. Tip: Instead of using moisturizer use organic coconut oil. Not only is it natural but it is also one of the most hydrating substances. If you want the coconut oil to last longer use a natural preservative, in the form of either 'vitamin e oil' or 'rosemary oil extract'. 

With my new found fear of chemicals, and my in depth into alternative body care i came across an interesting debate on the internet. Do we as humans really need shampoo and conditioner? There's brilliant arguments for both sides. But as a person who suffers terribly with greasy hair that goes lank the day after washing, i have decided to give it a try. Supposedly, s&c strip the natural oils from you hair and scalp which makes your hair overcompensate and make more oils, resulting in greasy hair. So the theory goes, if you don't strip your hair of it's essential oils then it won't have to overcompensate and get greasy, and it'll stay cleaner longer. Simple!

Apparently it take about a month for your scalp to retrain itself to do this. Within that month your hair will get super greasy and then one day you'll wash it (with water of course!) and the grease will stop and only come back once a week or so. Meaning that you'll only have to wash your hair once, maybe twice a week. So not only will you have cleaner hair, you'll also save money because you won't be buying stuff for your hair!

So day 1, i had a warm shower and washed my hair with nothing but water. On getting out of the shower my hair does not feel soft, it feels... hard. If that makes any sense? Hopefully in a month (before i go on holiday!!) i will have my eureka moment!

M x

Game Playing

So i'm back. And i wish i had some brilliant excuse for going so long without posting, but honestly i don't. I also wish i could write a jubilant post, but that is also not happening.

First, fucking game playing. I am not a person who likes people in general. In fact, if i even keep a conversation going with you, it's a privileged. No i'm not being big headed. More so, i hate the majority of girls. Boys i can deal with. I actually like the majority of boys. They are drama free, and if they are pissed at you they let you know. They don't play games like girls. Second, getting offended because i didn't invite you to the bloody cinema is just plain pathetic. My life does not revolve around you Jessica. So either piss off for good, or tell me your pissed and we can actually talk and come to an agreement. Childish, childish, childish.

Moving on from that! My eating has stabilized as has my weight at a cool 135lbs. And i am now on a vegan diet. Well actually i'm living a vegan life. No animal products at all! I do still want to be 126lbs, but i am doing it naturally and slowly, without starving my body of nutrients. Please don't abandon me my first and only follower! For i pledge not to try and coerce you into veganism! Although to everyone who is interested in this type of lifestyle - or maybe just the diet aspect, i recommend you watch the documentary
'Forks over Knives'.

And lastly, in the coming weeks three good things are happening. Numero uno, i'm getting my teeth whitened on the 17th! Also on the 17th i am staying in a frigging mansion with my mums side of the family, the whole lot! There will be at least 15 of us in this mansion down in Cornwall. And thirdly, i'm going to frigging Greece sometime in May and i'm super excited! I am no longer crippled by the appearance of my body, so i can reunite myself with the sea - my favourite thing in the world!

That's it for now. I may post some interesting things about dairy for the health conscious. And i will definitely return to regular posting. But as the bloody annoying woman known as Paris Hilton would say, TTFN!

M x

Rant

What is it with guys? You're brilliant friends with them for years and then very suddenly - even though they haven't seen you since they started Uni - they decide they 'like' you. And then expect that you like them back? And it's not just guys. As soon as friends find out he likes you, the also automatically expect you to like him. Everyone knows that i'm super friendly. Do you know that around 80% of men confuse friendliness from girls as flirtatiousness? Well apparently the majority of my guy friends have thought this throughout the years. Stop thinking with you penises. I do not like you romantically. In fact i have never once thought of you that way. Now i have to go and tell you that. And no matter how nicely i say it, by me doing that i will  basically be making our friendship super awkward, or you won't want to see me again. Stupid boys. Stupid feelings.

Note: (Possible tmi) Feeling like i need to jump someones bones and just go all night at the moment.

M x

Intake

Seriously sorry for my twice in one day posting. But i realised i haven't really said anything about my intake for a while. So, intake today:

Bran flakes and almond milk - 180 max

Pear - 50

Two bites of 'nakd' bar - 40

Vegetables - 60

Vegetarian Cottage Pie - 366

Peanuts - 20

Total - 716 calories

I'm slightly freaked out as i feel i've forgotten something. Cry. Just hoping that if i have forgotten something my intake won't be over 800.. Okay, your torture is over!

M x 

First follower!

My first follower! You beautiful person. I feel slightly like i've been given a puppy. Except i'm guessing you don't walk on all fours, you're not covered in fur, and you don't go up to people and lick them to say hello.. Then again, if you do, i still bloody love you!!

I realised the other day that i don't want to be 'the skinny girl', with bones jutting out of her with no definition.. I want to be 'the toned girl'. The girl who guys and girls look at and are motivated. I want to put on a bikini and have those little crease lines under my butt, that are only there when your bum is in peak condition. I want to be able to put on trousers/shorts that may be slightly too tight  but don't give me a muffin top, now matter how small. And most of all, i want to be healthy. I want my skin to look tight and toned on my thigh muscles.

When i get a job whether in the UK or when i go to Australia i will hire a personnel trainer and i will achieve my dream body. Or if i manage to get into Uni to study dietetics and nutrition, i will use my student funds to pay a trainer. Either way, i will be happy.

My plan is to stick to my 800 calories a day, with one cheat meal in the week. When i reach my goal weight 120 - 126lbs. I will maintain and then search around for a trainer.

Hope everyone is being safe. M x

Easter baby!

You know when you're a little girl on Christmas Eve, and you're so excited that you feel jittery and no matter how much you try, you can't sleep? I was like that last nigh. I went a week without weighing myself. I've never been able to do that. What else did you ask? I also was binge free all week! Another record. So i was jittery, excited and nervous last night, as i tried to sleep. Is that really sad..?

Then woke up at 8am, had pee, ran down the stairs to my present (or my scales), set them up and... paused. I couldn't get on the bloody things. Suddenly i was terrified of the number i would see. Yes, i realise that's bad. Finally i managed to hop on, open my eyes, release my held breath and look down. 134lbs! That's 4lbs in a week. Not as great as i had hoped, but, seeing as i have done no exercise this week and still managed to lose weight. I'm pretty happy now.

Although after today, i'm pretty sure i'm up a pound.. Easter Sunday you beautiful thing! Being able to eat chocolate without judgmental eyes? Brilliant. I did go from 'cheat day' into 'binge mode', but i don't actually care. I haven't gone over 800 calories once this week, so i feel i deserved a good binge. Plus eating normally (if slightly more than normally..) increases the metabolism and a needed boost, from the week of restricting!

TMI WARNING: Binging on carbohydrate loaded foods.. It moves things along in the err, bowel region. Basically, i've had two good umm experiences in the toilet area, within an hour..

Needless to say i am in a happy mood, and am hoping to be a maximum of 131lbs next Sunday. I am in brilliant spirits! Hopefully everyone is as happy as i am.

M x

TMI

Yeah i'm just going to get it out of the way.. I had the best poo today. There is no eloquent way of saying this.. I'm actually really surprised because normally when i'm restricting, i get all blocked up - nice imagery? I'm putting it down to the fact that i've been eating a lot of green food since restricting. Mainly; broccoli, pak choi, asparagus, courgette. Apples and bran flakes (made with almond milk, of course!) have also been a staple.

Today's been a good day. I am choosing to overlook the fact that my attempt at making a low calorie, high nutrients, asian soup, failed. Failed in a gargantuan way. Blaming it one the fact that i am vegan and therefore can't use oyster sauce etc.. But i also sat down with my mum and step dad to watch 'men in black 3' - which i thought was rubbish. While i was over, they offered me chips from the chippy and loads of sweets and chocolates. Proudly i said no, while i tucked into my dinner of courgette (which i left), pak choi, asparagus and quinoa. I may have had a bit of toffee popcorn though..

Sadly there was no sight of my flirty friend today. Cry. Typically, on the day i want to get to know him, he seems to have finished the job at my neighbors. Damn you karma!!

Total Intake Today:

Bran Flakes + Almond milk 180

Apple 70

Toffee popcorn 200

Pak choi, asparagus, quinoa 300 (over estimating)

Asian soup - 70

Total - 820 Calories!

Third day binge free!! Record! M x

Walking Corpse

Intake Today -

Vegetable soup 188

Apple 70

Fudge hot chocolate 40

3 Tbls of quinoa 50 

I would put a total, but i'm off to Tesco's in an hour and i'm going to guess i'll be getting something to eat there - a salad of some sort. I don't like eating this few a calories, as it leaves me feeling tired and dizzy.

BUT today i refused to weigh myself. Not because i binged or am feeling uncomfortable. Because i think i'll feel a whole lot prouder and happier within myself if i only do it once a week. This way i'll hopefully see a 3lbs weight loss (if not more) once a week, and not a 0.6lbs weight loss every day. If that makes sense?

Nothing much has happened today.. Been feeling extremely tired and weak... I did walk 3 miles to get some heart medication for my dad. Note to everyone: Walking in the cold, while wind blows in your face will make you look like you're suffering with glaucoma.. Oh and quick change of subject! As i left my house to start my 3 mile walk, this stupidly handsome guy who looked to be in his mid 20's started talking to me - he was walking on the other side of the street. It was only a 10 second chat, but it was a very flirtatious 10 second chat. What's more is that he is working on a house opposite me. So tomorrow i think i may go over and have a proper chin wag with him. I'm thinking it'll start like this:

Keeping in mind that he was complaining how cold his hands were in this -degree weather.

Me - Thought you might want these (throw some gloves over to him)

Him - 'A sarcastic/humorous thanks'

Few minutes later i'll turn to leave, aaannnnd

Me - Be sure to return them when you get the chance...

And then obviously we walk into the sunset and live happily ever after.. Or in my mind we do. God, he would make wonderful babies. Stop getting carried away girl.

Anyway i'll post back later with my total intake! M x

EDIT

I also had some pineapple which came to a cool 60 cals.

Total calorie intake - 420 (over estimated)

To Quinoa with love!

I had so many things to write down today. Even last night, when insomnia attacked me with all it's glory i was thinking what to write. Mental not: When a good idea makes a fleeting appearance, do write it down! Not much has happened - how could it when i'm a hermit?!
But i did make a second attempt at cooking quinoa today. Last time i just boiled it in plain water and it turned out kind of, sludgy.. But today, today i am the queen of quinoa! So, i squeezed the juice from an entire lime, added half a tbls of cajun spice, popped in a vegetable stock cube, added a whole garlic clove (take that out when the quinoa is cooked) and half an onion, seasoned to taste. When the quinoa cooked in this it tasted like nectar from an asian angel! What's more, it taste just as nice cold. So tomorrow i'm going to make a leafy salad and have some of my delicious quinoa!

Oh i almost forgot! Me and my mum lit a fire in her garden tonight and we cooked some potatoes on the logs. A-freaking-mazing! I only had 3 of them though as they were slathered in garlic oil.. There's something so peaceful and somewhat prehistoric about sitting around a fire in -degree weather, with four layer of clothing on.

So my intake today is:

1 slice of toast - 99

Baked Beans - 150

3 Potatoes - 150?

3 Tbls of quinoa - 60?

1 Apple - 70

Options hot chocolate - 50

1 Kiwi - 30
Cuppa soup - 60

Total:  669 calories

And that's absolute maximum. I've over estimated on some items just to be extra cautious. Hope everyone's day has been just as fruitful! M x

Renewal

So back to it tomorrow. Maximum of 800 calories. Luckily my next 'cheat' day will be on Easter Sunday, which is goody for me! Starting to feel extremely guilty at the moment. I finished the night off with a Chinese takeaway. A portion big enough to feed two people. I'm desperately trying to keep my mind off my intake today.
It was probably a bad idea to weigh myself about 10 minutes ago. I am at a high 138lbs, and am feeling extremely disgusted in myself. Rightly so. I'm so desperate to be in control, and i like to think that i am. But i know in reality, i'm out of control. Whether i'm restricting or binging, i'm still out of control of my thoughts.

Tonight will consist of watching animated films. Why animated? Because they don't contain any beautiful actress with an amazing body. There are also animated films which i can't watch when i've binged - Beauty and the Beast, Tangled, Aladdin - Basically all the Disney princess films are off limits because i get immediately ashamed of myself and then extremely jealous of a fictional character.

Goodnight guys! M x

Teeth whitening

So i'm getting my teeth whitened soon, probably within the next 2-3 weeks. I can't begin to explain how excited i am! I've always had this complex about the shade of my teeth. And the best part (apart from the obvious whiter teeth..)? The proper stuff you get from the dentists leaves your teeth so painful that it's difficult to eat. Meaning i should be able to lose a cool 6lbs minimum before i go to Greece at the end of April!
You know you have disordered eating when you're grateful for pain so great it stops you eating properly..

On a depressing note, i binged today. Perhaps because it's Sunday, which is a cheat day for me. Here comes the mountainous list of bad food. 

• 1 apple
• 1/4 jar of peanut butter
• Tablespoon of jam
• 3 pieces of toast
• 3 small pancakes with maple syrup
• Brownie ice cream sundae, 713 cals!
• Half an easter egg
• 1 flake chocolate bar
• Glass of wine
• 1 hash brown

I think that's it. I refuse to even calculate the calories. It will only send me into a guilty frenzy. But knowing me there's probably a bit more, and more than likely more to come. I'm not feeling as guilty as i usually do. If i'm going to binge i'd rather binge on my 'cheat day'. Really wishing i could eat like a 'normal person' though on a cheat day.. Anyway that's it for the day.

M x

Ps, I bought a hoola hoop today! I had no idea that hoola hooping is not a simple, 'move your hips round in a circle'. Let's just say i can keep the hoop spinning for a good 5 seconds. But i'm definitely going to practice. It's so much more fun that doing sit up's to tone your core.

Saying goodbye

Yesterday i went to the shopping centre with my dad and brother. My brother desperately wanted to spoil me. But because i'm feeling so... bleurgh(?) i could only manage to get some tops. Absolutely NO shorts or trousers. Although earlier on that day i did buy some lovely khaki colour jeggings. They are chic looking!

After shopping, both my dad and my brother wanted a pizza from 'Pizza Express'. Well of course, my brother managed to find a '3 courses for £12' deal online. Uh oh. Skipping to the point i had, dough balls with garlic butter as a starter, margarita pizza with jalapenos as a main, and the creme de le creme, a chocolate fudge cake slice with vanilla gelato. Probably 2000+ calories in the that one meal..

Needless to say i did not weight myself today, and i have stuck to 800 cals as well. My brother is going back to Brunei tomorrow/today. I can't even explain how much i'm going to miss him. He's such a nice calming influence when he's around. But in another way i can't wait for him to go, because then i won't have to go eat in a restaurant most nights and i can't restrict to my hearts content. Not only is my brother going back, but my dad is going to Italy for a week this Friday. So i'll have full control as to what goes into the fridge! Yes!! If i don't lose a minimum of 3lbs while he's away, i don't even know how i'll react.

That's it for now. M x

Three posts in one day!

So i've decided against going to the doctors. I already know that the majority of my bad thoughts and feelings come from how i eat. So for now, i am going to plan my meals the night before. My only problem is, is that i'm racked with guilt if i go over a 1000 calories. And if i go under 500 calories i am guaranteed to binge later that night or the next morning. I'm tired of not being in control of my own thoughts. And i'm exhausted from the effort it takes to resist certain foods. If this doesn't work then i will definitely be going to the doctors.

My plan for tomorrow is:

B - Cornflakes with Almond Milk ~ 130 cals

L - Homemade vegetarian chilli, weight watchers tortilla, side sald ~ 250 cals

D - Vegan sausage, broccoli, runner beans, yorkshire pudding, onion gravy ~ 300 cals

Snacks - Apple ~ 70 cals

           - Kiwi ~ 50 cals

Total ~ 800 calories

I also always drink 1.5 liters of water a day, which keeps thirst and fake hunger at bay. But in the last week i've started doing a little bit of morning toning exercises, which consist of:

100 squats

100 sit ups

100 leg lifts on each leg

It's not much but i feel like it puts my head in the right space. Eventually i will start going out on fast walks/jogging. I'm desperately relying on this food plan to get my head back in the right place. I need to get back to the laid back person i used to be. I need to go out with friends (even if i have nothing in common with any of them), and i need to kiss a stranger, get drunk and just generally do normal 18 year old stuff.

M x

 

Doctors

I think i'm going to have to make an appointment with a doctor. Depression runs in my family and i feel as if what i'm thinking/feeling isn't normal. My eating is way out of hand; restrict, binge, restrict, binge etc.. Loneliness has surrounded me and i don't know how to escape it. And i'm not sure i want to. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. To the point of being the master of hiding my feelings behind an invisible mask whenever i'm in somebody's company. I feel lost, alone, and empty. I need help.

Lonely anxious mess

Remember i told you that my brother was back from Brunei? Well my anxiety with men has reached such a pinochle that i couldn't bring myself to go out shopping with him. My own brother. He wanted to take me to the nearest mall and spoil me, but i just couldn't do it. This is major step back for me. I'm so ashamed of myself. What kind of person is so messed up that spending the day out with her older brother brings on too much anxiety to go??

Also, i've been pretty lonely these last few months. I'm so used to staying in and hiding away from everyone, that whenever i get invited out somewhere my whole body fills with dread. And i end up ringing the person up and making some dumb excuse not to go. I haven't been out with friends in over 5 months. I also don't see the point in going out with anyone, because all of my mates are the typical 20 something year olds. They go out to drunk and to get laid.
Me being a person who drinks socially and not solely for the purpose of getting drunk, and me also being a virgin, kind of hinders how i connect with them.
I think i want to live in London and have friends who like the things i do; Books, Theatre  Movies, Talk about food. All i know is that i need to escape where i live now.
I'm thinking that when i go to Greece in May i will have a look around for jobs out there, and maybe stay out there just for a few months. Then hopefully i'll grow some big manly balls, and finally do a working holiday in Australia for a year.

So many scrambled thoughts. I think i just need a good cry.. Anyway, calories have been fine today - 500 cals. Hopefully my next post won't be so depressing..

M x

AWOL

So i will admit, i have been ever so slightly AWOL lately. There are a few good reasons though! First, i have felt too guilty to post as i have been gorging on food in the last week. Maybe because my period was due (tmi?), or just maybe because i have little to no self control around all food. Both sweet and savory.

Second, i have been ill. The type of cold that surpasses a normal cold, but isn't quite the flu. So my energy has been at 0% (although i still managed to feed my gluttony). But i am finally at my best again!

Third, i had a singing lesson the other day. Now i've had a singing lesson with a man before in Cardiff. But as he quickly revealed himself as a pompous, arrogant, unfriendly little man that he is, i left and never returned. But the lady i went to this time is lovely! Apparently my voice type is alto and mezzo soprano, which is supposedly extremely good for someone who has never had singing experience. I love singing! It's one of my great pleasures in life!

So they are my excuses. I hope they're good enough? I'm currently watching 'Beauty and the Beast' and pondering many things. Including, Belle (Pocahontas being a close second) has got to be the prettiest Disney princess. It may be something to do with the fact that she is an intellectual and isn't a damsel in distress. And also wondering why there haven't really been any good red headed princesses.. 'The Little Mermaid' just annoys me and i actually refused to see 'Brave' because quite frankly, Disney animated films should be in 2D. Not bloody 3D or whatever that film was. I'm a girl who grew up in the 90's when Disney was at the top of it's game! And i'm yet to watch a Disney that has the same charm and mysterious charisma that the 90's one had.

Added extra - I had a job offer today at Coffee #1! It was too far away, but i have been notified that i am at the top of the list to be called when a local Coffee #1 job comes up!

Anyway, tomorrow my brother is back from Brunei for a week, before he jets back again. So i'll update again in a couple of days!

Losertown

Has anyone heard of Losertown? Basically, it's a website that you enter your weight, height, daily calorie intake and you activity level. It then predicts how much weight you're going to lose by a particular date. Don't take it too seriously - anything that says you're going to be -20lbs within a year can't be too accurate.. But it's a good thing to keep motivations up. And give or take a couple lbs it's normally relatively correct. Anyway i'll post a link! Enjoy!

                                                     http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php 

M x

I enjoyed my tortilla/fajita make shift pizza so much yesterday, that i had another today! But this time i took a picture. It is scrummy! And has fast become one of my favourite meals! It's the exact same recipe as i posted before. Here it is! And at only 160 calories, it's much better than any pizza.

Recipe - Weight watcher tortilla
              Tomato puree
              Jalapenos
              Mozzarella
              Basil olive oil
In the oven for 7 minutes on 180.

Having a left hand that has been partially crushed, had the majority of it's ligaments torn, has nerve problems in the little finger and has two broken fingers, is making it extremely hard to teach myself how to play the guitar...

On a slightly related note, there's a high chance i'm in love with Samantha Barks (google her). I would happily turn gay for. In fact, i wouldn't hesitate for a second if she popped up in my house and asked me to runaway with her to Gretna Green Scotland, to elope.

Can't update you on my weight today, as i'm attempting to stay off the scales until Monday morning. But hopefully things will be good!

Hope everyone is well!

M x

'Wicked'

I'm going to see 'Wicked' in the West End in the summer! And seeing that it has one of my all time favourite songs i'm super excited! So in honour of the moment, i have decided to upload a recording/video of me singing the opening part of 'Defying Gravity' acapella style!

Enjoy! And please, if you have anything to say, whether criticism or praise, then share away! I'm always open to improvement so i'd actually prefer if you could offer me some idea's on how to improve myself! Either comment on here, or on youtube.

I am slowly training my voice to sing the entire sing, to which i will then put the music to. So for now, this is just an extract. Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjMji4LVMwg

Make shift pizza

Desperation for pizza struck today! Instead of running to get a delicious Mars & Spencers one, i decided to try and make out of what i had in the fridge. Well it turned out yummy! All i did was get a weight watchers fajita, spread some tomato paste on it, cut up some mozzarella and spread that on it, with some jalapenos  Put it in the oven for 7 minutes at 180 and, voila! I'd put a picture up but.. well, i demolished before a picture could happen...

Change of pace.. I've been trying to upload a video on here but am finding it impossible! It starts processing and then a little window pops up saying "error". Can anyone offer any advice?

"There is more treasure in books than in all the 

pirate's loot on Treasure Island."

Walt Disney

Binge-athon

The last three days have been my own personnel binge-athon. I can't remember what i ate the first night.. What i do remember is being good the entire day and then, that night i made some pasta with chilli sauce. From there on i just remember having 3 -4 portions of pasta, half a loaf of bread, chips and vegetarian meatballs and much much more.

Yesterday i woke up in a "I hate everyone" type of mood. Anything could have put me in floods of tears. I held out until my mum forced me into her car and took me to a beautiful little town called Tintern. I remember having a bounty bar, a hob nob biscuit and a cream tea with all the trimmings (veganism has apparently left me..), and then i had half a pot of Moroccan hummus. I can't remember if i had anything else..

Today was the worst. It all started when me and my dad had an argument which resulted in him telling me "Piss off!" Which i quite happily did. I marched over to my mums and just crashed in her spare room. Are you ready for the onset of food? Prepare yourself! I think i'm just gonna bullet point it instead:

• Slice of thick white toast and jam
• Caramel Machiato
• 3 homemade scones with jam
• A mini Pizza
• 2 portions of pasta with chilli sauce and meatballs  
• 2/3rd of a packet of jam and cream mini rolls
• Large pot of sour cream and onion pringles
• 2 Twirls
• A bottle of Bulmers pear cider

Granted, the last five items were my dads way of apologising to me. But i don't know why i ate all of it at once. I feel like a blob. Whats worse is that in May i'm going to Greece for a week (might decide to stay out there), and i have to buy new summer clothes and a bikini. And i'm desperate to buy size 8 shorts that won't be even slightly tight. 

On another note, isn't it funny how you can read someones blog and instantly feel like you connect with them as a person? And feel like if we had met in another lifetime we would have been the best of chums. Well obviously, that can't be but i will direct you to her blog http://blackbook-115.blogspot.co.uk/ (Note: Gabrielle, if you wish for me to take this link down, then just send me a quick message or just comment, and i will do so without hesitation).

Anyway that's it for tonight. Wait! I forgot to say, after 3 days of bingeing i now weigh 136lbs. I'm sure that number will have increased by the time i wake up tomorrow. And finally, leaving on that pretty bum note..

Goodnight!

Mx

Quick Post

Just a quick update. Not feeling too fresh today. Any food today:

Apple x2 - 120 cals

Orange - 60 cals

Baked Beans on Toast - 350 cals

Peanuts - 60 cals

Vegan ice cream - 200 cals

Total intake -  760 cals

I also hopped on the scales this morning and i was 9st 9! So everything is slowly dwindling down.

That's it for today, sorry there's no more guys. But i will leave you with a nice message from Dr Seuss:

"Those who mind don't matter, and those

who matter don't mind."

Crap.

Woke up feeling extremely dizzy. When i got out of bed i almost fell over because my head was swimming that much. But this was a very familiar dizziness, one that i used to experience almost daily a few years ago. It was the 'low blood sugar' dizziness. Well, seeing that i'm going on a long trip today i can't afford to almost fainting whenever i decide to move. So i decided to go and get a piece of toast and jam. Bad move. I grabbed two pieces of toast, slathered them with jam. Ran back to the bread bin, grabbed another piece of toast, this time with butter and marmite. You think i;m done? Nope. I also then made porridge with milk!! I'm practically a vegan and i had milk!!

Needless to say, i'm feeling extremely guilty from overeating and from having an animal product. After devouring the milky porridge i feel like i have some parasite dwelling in me. A cruel cruel parrasite. I can't even purge as my gag reflex is practically non-existent.

Anyway now 'bingeing bells' are going off in my head. And all i can think about is overeating. I've had enough sugar though. All i want is savoury food! And seeing that i'm gonna be eating out today with my mum i don't see how i'm going to be able to resist, seeing that i've already screwed my day up monumentally. I think i'm gonna have to go and buy some vegan ice cream, just in case i have another 'low blood sugar day' and i don't reach for the milk..

Good and Bad

I'm going to start off with listing what i've eaten today:

Baked Beans - 147 cals

Pink lady apple - 60 cals

Orange x2 - 120

Vegetable Soup - 188

Total calories: 515

I'm not particularly happy about this. I feel like i've eaten too little and that when i wake up tomorrow, i will pay for it with a dizzy head and no energy. I haven't even tried to avoid food today, i've just had zero appetite.. I'm not sure if my dads illness had finally spread it's wings and joined me. Although it could be that i only had 4 hours sleep last night, and am therefore exhausted. I guess the plus side to this is that i should definitely be lower than 139lbs tomorrow morning.

I'm starting to plan my day around sleeping, as in, i won't let myself fall asleep until a specific time, meaning that i won't wake up too early. That and the lack of either food or an immune system is rendering me useless in the evenings..

But tomorrow should be good! I'm off to one of my favourite places, Tenby! You know those places where you feel instantly at home and at peace? Well i have three of them, Chepstow/Tutshill, Tenby and Greece. So being able to wander the familiar cobble streets, wander down the deserted beach, and sit in my favourite restaurant with a good book, is sounding extremely dreamy and therapeutic.

Ending the blog on a random and seemingly egotistical note.. Last night i had like, a three second dream which i can remember vividly. I dreamt i was in Tesco's reaching for some vegan mango ice cream. That's it! Although i was viewing myself through someone else's eyes. So all i saw was a svelte young woman, wearing light blue denim shorts, brown swede ankle boots and a red tartan type shirt, with my hair in a ponytail. It was an incredibly motivational few seconds, being able to see what i could look like and what i could be wearing this summer.

M x

Bugger

I buggered up. My body refused to switch off last night, keeping me awake until 5:20am. I then didn't go on my jog. Slept until 8am, 'till i had to let the dog out and feed the rabbit. And instead of fasting, i grabbed a microwave pot of baked beans (147 cals) and devoured those with gusto! So let's list the mishaps of the day, bearing in mind i've only been awake for an hour and 45 mins:

• Didn't have 8 hours sleep.
• Didn't go on the jog.
• Didn't start the day with a 24 hour fast.

I think the reason i practically inhaled the baked beans is because i did my mandatory weigh in and, instead of being 145lbs, my body has allowed me to be 139lbs. This is in the space of a day. That's a hell of a lot of water weight! Although i'm pretty sure i'm now at least 140lbs after the baked beans and pint of water..

I think i'm gonna try and blog my food intake. I'm thinking if my consumption is out there for everyone to see then the shame of posting my binge episodes will be enough to stop me? Maybe.. Here's hoping to no more screw ups throughout the day!

M x

Ramblings of an Exhausted Mind

It's now 3:25am as i write this. I have been led in bed, wrapped in a cocoon of cosiness, yet i can't sleep. My mind is all scattered. When i read this particular post tomorrow i'll probably realise too late that it makes no sense, and it is really just the ramblings of a mentally exhausted mind.

Seeing that i plan on doing a quick 24 hour fast, and that i haven't slept a wink, i'm kinda thinking that going for a jog would be kind of idiotic. So instead, if i don't fall asleep by 6am i will pour myself a nice hot bubbly bath, and soak for an hour with 'How to kill a mockingbird'. At around 8am i'll pop into my mums for an espresso, and then hopefully (hopefully!!) i'll be able to sleep the day away and not worry too much about not eating anything.

Random thought - Two years ago my hair was half way down my back. I'm the type of person who gets bored extremely easily. So when i got bored with my hair, i promptly went to the hairdressers, made an appointment, and two days later i had all my hair cut off, all but 2 inches. It was the most freeing experience i have ever encountered. But obviously there's only so much you can do with 2 inches of hair, so within a few months i grew restless again and decided to grow it out again. It's now almost down to my shoulders. I was thinking how nice it would be to be able to jump out of the shower, with hair that goes down to my waist, and just let it air dry, and then either leaving it down or putting it up in a quick messy bun. No fuss and no need to straighten it like i have to do now (ginger hair that has a tendency to become half afro when there's no extra hair to weigh it down, is not a good look).

Blergh. My mind is everywhere and nowhere. It's been a long time since i've decided to fast. I'm not sure if i'm heading down "a dangerous road" again like i did when i was 15. And to be honest i'm scared of my thoughts about food and calories. But i'm also partly ecstatic that i'm gaining control again, which makes me slightly scared again.. And then i'm thinking about Australia, and when i plan to move there for a year. But that's a post for another time... perhaps tomorrow..

Anyway i want to end this post on a high note. I read a lovely quote the other day, which makes me feel just slightly brighter -

"Believing that everybody is beautiful, doesn't mean that you

have to find everyone beautiful. It means you believe

that everybody is beautiful to somebody."

M x

Devoid of Sleep

So i'm led in bed and sleep is avoiding me. It may have something to do with the obscene amount of carbs i ate just a few hours ago.. But as i read through and criticised my first post i realised that it comes across as being extremely food orientated. I don't want this. So i am basically just confirming to myself (and to others who may read this), that this blog won't be all about my body issues or my issues with food.

Instead i want to see it contain pictures and writings of things that inspire me and maybe someone else. So although it will primarily drone on about how anxious, sad, and selfish i feel, it will also contain little crumbs of happiness! 

Prepare your mind, for every now and then, a motivational saying, a beautiful landscape, an old bookshop or two, may pop up on your screen!

Anyway, i'm supposed to be waking up in 4hrs 30mins to go on my early jog. Just the thought of having to get out of my super cosy bed to assault my senses with the cold, fresh air is both angering and inspiring. So for now i bid my blogger farewell!

Hwyl Fawr!

M x

Introduce Yourself

So this will be my 4th or maybe 5th attempt at keeping a blog. I've attempted blogger once before and the other times? Tumblr! Me and Tumblr came to a disagreement at least three times. So i thought i should just cut all ties and revert back to my original blogger website..

Who am i, you ask? That is a question that even I find difficult to answer.. You guessed it! I am an 18 year old girl(?), young adult(?), woman(?), living in South Wales. My paranoid self won't let me disclose my name for now, although i'm sure as i become acquainted with my new personnel space of the internet i will let slip my name for all to see. For now, you can call me Maggie. Reasons for this? a) Because it is slightly similar to my real name and has the same first initial. b) I have always wanted to be called this. c)If i ever find someone daft enough to have children with me, i will name my first daughter this.

I feel like i could easily ramble on. Which i have never had the feeling to do on a blog before, so i am taking this as a positive sign. To reduce your torture i will do a quick list about myself and then another short(ish) paragraph.

List
I love any sort of escapism. Books, Films, Travel, i love it! In fact, i obsess over it.
I am a vegetarian, slowly becoming vegan.
I have suffered with various eating disorders - EDNOS, Binge Eating Disorder, Anorexia.
I am 5ft 9. Ginger hair. Blue eyes.
Strange things make me happy, whether it be sitting in coffee#1 with Jazz music in the background, or looking at the clear night sky and seeing stars.
I had/have social anxiety. 
I have/do suffer with PTSD.
I speak fluent Welsh.

So this blog is being started, as most of these types of blogs do, because i have had a major binge, proceeded to look on the scale - 145lbs - almost vomit with disgust, and then vow to never see that weight ever(!) again. I will state now that i do not condone eating disorders. So if you are here looking for tips i am respectfully asking you to leave. If you are here because you can relate to my ponderings, then i welcome you! I no longer suffer with an eating disorder, i just suffer with disordered eating.

(Rambling on to another paragraph) Plans? Tomorrow i am waking up at 6am and going for a quick jog with my dog. I will then go to my mums for an hour and have an espresso.  I may then come back to have an apple or, to hell with it i may decide to fast.

Enjoy (or commiserate) my blog!

M x