It'll be lonely this Christmas

So it's Christmas eve, and while most people are now with either their friends or family, i am just sat at my desk writing this. My dad - who doesn't celebrate Christmas - is downstairs totally oblivious to just how lonely and sad i am. My mum, step dad, brother and brothers girlfriend have probably just come back from the traditional Christmas outing to an old fashioned English village which is stunningly beautiful.

My mum rang me today, asking if i wanted to go but i refused. The audacity of that woman! She just expects everything to be forgotten. Well tough. That doesn't happen. People can't just move on from some things. All i want to do is talk things over, but nope. She just wants to "forget", whilst not actually forgetting, just letting all the bad feelings fester under the surface until one day, they'll come exploding out.

So i'm sat here still feeling numb, betrayed, and totally forgotten about like the other day. And i'll more than likely be waking up late tomorrow, and remembering how i'm feeling once more. My first Christmas where i will be well and truly alone and devoid of Christmas cheer.

But to everyone else, Merry Christmas!! I hope you all truly enjoy yourselves! And i hope you get everything you have been wanting, whether that's presents or family! xx

On the precipice.

My mum attacked me.

We were on a family holiday, i told her she was being annoying - she was very drunk at the time i said this. And i'm not gonna lie, i said it with attitude. But the next night we had a little argument, she stormed out of the room and a few seconds later came back, and attacked me. My top was ripped off, my back was scratched and bleeding. My chest, face, arm, throat and leg were also bleeding. I couldn't walk properly because she had either kicked or punched me in the ribs. She sustained two bruises on her arm from me holding her down in self defense.

I had to take a week off work because i physically couldn't stand for longer than a few minutes. We weren't talking.

Long story short, she came over after a month and apologised. I accepted. But our relationship hasn't been the same. The other day - now two months later, she told me she only apologised to keep the piece in the family, not for me. She went on holiday when we were supposedly all made up and didn't tell me, although she told her ex husband, my dad. And within 2 weeks she started doing our little 'Cinema on Tuesday/Wednesday' tradition with someone else. She blames me for ruining the holiday with my little remark. She doesn't think that attacking me was any worse than me shooting a snide comment her way.

I'm emotionally numb. I grep up with her being slap happy but i'm an adult now, and you don't expect someone to do that to another adult. I don't feel anything, not towards her, not towards me, not towards anything. I'm spending Christmas alone, while my family gather at her house. 

And i'm just lost. I need to escape. But i can't because i don't yet have enough money saved.

I need to get out of this toxic situation.