It'll be lonely this Christmas

So it's Christmas eve, and while most people are now with either their friends or family, i am just sat at my desk writing this. My dad - who doesn't celebrate Christmas - is downstairs totally oblivious to just how lonely and sad i am. My mum, step dad, brother and brothers girlfriend have probably just come back from the traditional Christmas outing to an old fashioned English village which is stunningly beautiful.

My mum rang me today, asking if i wanted to go but i refused. The audacity of that woman! She just expects everything to be forgotten. Well tough. That doesn't happen. People can't just move on from some things. All i want to do is talk things over, but nope. She just wants to "forget", whilst not actually forgetting, just letting all the bad feelings fester under the surface until one day, they'll come exploding out.

So i'm sat here still feeling numb, betrayed, and totally forgotten about like the other day. And i'll more than likely be waking up late tomorrow, and remembering how i'm feeling once more. My first Christmas where i will be well and truly alone and devoid of Christmas cheer.

But to everyone else, Merry Christmas!! I hope you all truly enjoy yourselves! And i hope you get everything you have been wanting, whether that's presents or family! xx

On the precipice.

My mum attacked me.

We were on a family holiday, i told her she was being annoying - she was very drunk at the time i said this. And i'm not gonna lie, i said it with attitude. But the next night we had a little argument, she stormed out of the room and a few seconds later came back, and attacked me. My top was ripped off, my back was scratched and bleeding. My chest, face, arm, throat and leg were also bleeding. I couldn't walk properly because she had either kicked or punched me in the ribs. She sustained two bruises on her arm from me holding her down in self defense.

I had to take a week off work because i physically couldn't stand for longer than a few minutes. We weren't talking.

Long story short, she came over after a month and apologised. I accepted. But our relationship hasn't been the same. The other day - now two months later, she told me she only apologised to keep the piece in the family, not for me. She went on holiday when we were supposedly all made up and didn't tell me, although she told her ex husband, my dad. And within 2 weeks she started doing our little 'Cinema on Tuesday/Wednesday' tradition with someone else. She blames me for ruining the holiday with my little remark. She doesn't think that attacking me was any worse than me shooting a snide comment her way.

I'm emotionally numb. I grep up with her being slap happy but i'm an adult now, and you don't expect someone to do that to another adult. I don't feel anything, not towards her, not towards me, not towards anything. I'm spending Christmas alone, while my family gather at her house. 

And i'm just lost. I need to escape. But i can't because i don't yet have enough money saved.

I need to get out of this toxic situation.  

Food Diary - day 1

I'm feeling much better about myself lately. I still feel a need to be 126lbs, but i no longer want to ruin my health for it. So food for tomorrow will be...

Breakfast - Porridge with syrup

Lunch - Salad with cous cous

Dinner - Broccoli, peas, potatoes and vegan sausage 

Snack - Fruit, vegan bar and mixed nuts

B is for Brazilian

Yesterday i got talking to one of my co-workers and we happened to start talking about "lady gardening". Now i've wanted to have a brazilian for at least a year, and after her telling me that she has one done i was nearly convinced. The tipping stone was when she told me the beauty salon i.e. torture chamber is literally only a minute walk from work... Well that was it. On my break i, and my impulsive self calmly walked down to the salon, knocked on the door, and walked in... I'm not sure what was worse, me talking about my lady area whilst trying not to blush or giggle, or the waxer talking about ingrown hairs, positions, hair length, in a calm almost sadistic way.
But i booked one, and not wanting to leave much space in time for me to cancel it, i booked it for the next day i.e. today. How do you prepare for these type of things?? I've exfoliated, soaped up and am deliberating putting channel perfume down there. It doesn't smell but i feel like i should offer the beautician something nice seeing that she's gonna be rummaging around "there" for quite a while...
I'll post an update later telling you all how it goes.

UPDATE

So after all the worrying and preening, it actually wasn't that bad. It hurt for a split second when the wax was ripped away but then it was fine. I'd say the overall pain was a 4 out of 10. Although in one place - just above your clitoral hood is - it hurt like hell! Like a 8/10. I actually screamed out.. Although i think that was more because of the surprise of the pain, not the pain itself. I'd definitely recommend people having it done. Although i do have a high pain threshold, so if you have a low pain threshold i'd suggest just having the bikini line done first, as a warm up. But a few pointers first:

• Get some recommendations. (A friend recommended me)
• Don't worry about their age. Worry about their technique.
• Make sure the waxer doesn't double dip the wooden wax stick thing.
• Clean that thing up before you go. No one wants to see your parts when they haven't been washed.

Just do it!

I'm now 10st 6lbs. That's 146lbs. Holy shit, i've put on 20lbs in the last 18 months. I didn't even realize i had gained 20lbs until i started writing this. That is disgusting.What's more my brother and his Audrey Hepburn lookalike girlfriend are coming down tomorrow. She's spanish, wears no makeup and is like a size 6. She's basically stunning and leaves me feeling self conscious even when i'm at a lower weight. I need to be back to 126lbs for my 19th. Realistically that's easy to do even with a normal diet. So i'll eat up to 1000 calories everyday, but no more.

I've also decided to start sharing a few horses with an old school friend/acquaintance. She's super loud, stupid and all around annoying, but as long as i can have some one on one time with the horses i'll be happy. So i'm gonna be working 3 times a week, which should be about 18 hours. On the days i'm not working i'll spend my time down the stables riding. And not eating. How hard can eating only 1000 calories be, especially when i've literally become a fat lump. This is the last time i see 146lbs on the scale.

M x

Carb Monster

I am out of control. As soon as i was left to my own devices i literally ran into the kitchen and ate; pot of hummus, 4 weetabix with almond milk and a lot of sugar, rice and curried lentils, chips, hummus sandwich and a jam sandwich. I think i'm addicted to carbs.
I read today that people crave carbohydrates when they have either low blood sugar, or a diet that lacks essential vitamins.. Now although i don't eat a lot of processed sugar, i do eat quite a substantial amount of fruit (i.e. natural sugars). So seeing as i'm a vegan and therefor i don't really have a varied diet i'm pinning my carb cravings on the latter . So starting tomorrow i am going to start taking multi-vitamins. Hopefully these will help. In fact i'm counting on them to help, not just for the health of my body but for my sanity. I'm picking fights because i'm just so damn frustrated and annoyed with myself over the binging.

On a happier note, the amount of sexy guys that come into my work that i can openly flirt with and be flirted with is astonishing! Nearly every 20 minutes there's either a sexy musician dude, a suited up guy, a stubbly, tattooed, downright grungy gorgeous man, or a cyclist with the most amazing bum. It has gotten to the stage of me being branded horny by my co-workers. Which is obviously bloody true! I need sex!

Tomorrow i will have:

A portion of mixed nuts - 150 cals

Stirfry - 230 cals

Apple - 70

Loads of veggies - 200(?)

Customary 2 litters of water with squash - 50

Total - 700 calories

"If you can't accept me at my worst, you

sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!"

-Marilyn Monroe

Deja vu

I'm at a high 144lbs. I haven't been this high since i was 15. Since starting a strenuous job i have started having porridge with almond milk (250), but today i can't bring myself to do that. I've had a handful of raspberries and an apple. Which comes to a total of 100 calories for breakfast. In work i'll have a mediterranean panini - mixed veg with cheese. But of course i'll take the cheese out before cooking and then discard half of the bread. So absolute maximum for that should be 300 - i hate having to estimate food! When i come home i'll chug some water and then either do a stir fry (210), or i'll go to sleep for an hour or so. I'm also estimating that working 6 hours in a job where i'm either; walking, standing, carrying heavy trays, continuously moving., will burn around 400 calories. So in total that should come to 510 calories. Although counting in some squash, i'll bring it up to 550 calories.

Handful of raspberries - 30

Apple - 70

Panini - 300 (max!)

Stirfry - 210

Squash and water - 40

Total - 550

Minus 400 for exercise/work - 150

Sorry how this post has been written out. I realize i'm not the best blogger when it comes to structuring my posts.. Anyway, a nice quote from 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' (1971) - 

"If you want to view paradise,

simply look around and view it."