Easter baby!

You know when you're a little girl on Christmas Eve, and you're so excited that you feel jittery and no matter how much you try, you can't sleep? I was like that last nigh. I went a week without weighing myself. I've never been able to do that. What else did you ask? I also was binge free all week! Another record. So i was jittery, excited and nervous last night, as i tried to sleep. Is that really sad..?

Then woke up at 8am, had pee, ran down the stairs to my present (or my scales), set them up and... paused. I couldn't get on the bloody things. Suddenly i was terrified of the number i would see. Yes, i realise that's bad. Finally i managed to hop on, open my eyes, release my held breath and look down. 134lbs! That's 4lbs in a week. Not as great as i had hoped, but, seeing as i have done no exercise this week and still managed to lose weight. I'm pretty happy now.

Although after today, i'm pretty sure i'm up a pound.. Easter Sunday you beautiful thing! Being able to eat chocolate without judgmental eyes? Brilliant. I did go from 'cheat day' into 'binge mode', but i don't actually care. I haven't gone over 800 calories once this week, so i feel i deserved a good binge. Plus eating normally (if slightly more than normally..) increases the metabolism and a needed boost, from the week of restricting!

TMI WARNING: Binging on carbohydrate loaded foods.. It moves things along in the err, bowel region. Basically, i've had two good umm experiences in the toilet area, within an hour..

Needless to say i am in a happy mood, and am hoping to be a maximum of 131lbs next Sunday. I am in brilliant spirits! Hopefully everyone is as happy as i am.

M x

TMI

Yeah i'm just going to get it out of the way.. I had the best poo today. There is no eloquent way of saying this.. I'm actually really surprised because normally when i'm restricting, i get all blocked up - nice imagery? I'm putting it down to the fact that i've been eating a lot of green food since restricting. Mainly; broccoli, pak choi, asparagus, courgette. Apples and bran flakes (made with almond milk, of course!) have also been a staple.

Today's been a good day. I am choosing to overlook the fact that my attempt at making a low calorie, high nutrients, asian soup, failed. Failed in a gargantuan way. Blaming it one the fact that i am vegan and therefore can't use oyster sauce etc.. But i also sat down with my mum and step dad to watch 'men in black 3' - which i thought was rubbish. While i was over, they offered me chips from the chippy and loads of sweets and chocolates. Proudly i said no, while i tucked into my dinner of courgette (which i left), pak choi, asparagus and quinoa. I may have had a bit of toffee popcorn though..

Sadly there was no sight of my flirty friend today. Cry. Typically, on the day i want to get to know him, he seems to have finished the job at my neighbors. Damn you karma!!

Total Intake Today:

Bran Flakes + Almond milk 180

Apple 70

Toffee popcorn 200

Pak choi, asparagus, quinoa 300 (over estimating)

Asian soup - 70

Total - 820 Calories!

Third day binge free!! Record! M x

Walking Corpse

Intake Today -

Vegetable soup 188

Apple 70

Fudge hot chocolate 40

3 Tbls of quinoa 50 

I would put a total, but i'm off to Tesco's in an hour and i'm going to guess i'll be getting something to eat there - a salad of some sort. I don't like eating this few a calories, as it leaves me feeling tired and dizzy.

BUT today i refused to weigh myself. Not because i binged or am feeling uncomfortable. Because i think i'll feel a whole lot prouder and happier within myself if i only do it once a week. This way i'll hopefully see a 3lbs weight loss (if not more) once a week, and not a 0.6lbs weight loss every day. If that makes sense?

Nothing much has happened today.. Been feeling extremely tired and weak... I did walk 3 miles to get some heart medication for my dad. Note to everyone: Walking in the cold, while wind blows in your face will make you look like you're suffering with glaucoma.. Oh and quick change of subject! As i left my house to start my 3 mile walk, this stupidly handsome guy who looked to be in his mid 20's started talking to me - he was walking on the other side of the street. It was only a 10 second chat, but it was a very flirtatious 10 second chat. What's more is that he is working on a house opposite me. So tomorrow i think i may go over and have a proper chin wag with him. I'm thinking it'll start like this:

Keeping in mind that he was complaining how cold his hands were in this -degree weather.

Me - Thought you might want these (throw some gloves over to him)

Him - 'A sarcastic/humorous thanks'

Few minutes later i'll turn to leave, aaannnnd

Me - Be sure to return them when you get the chance...

And then obviously we walk into the sunset and live happily ever after.. Or in my mind we do. God, he would make wonderful babies. Stop getting carried away girl.

Anyway i'll post back later with my total intake! M x

EDIT

I also had some pineapple which came to a cool 60 cals.

Total calorie intake - 420 (over estimated)

To Quinoa with love!

I had so many things to write down today. Even last night, when insomnia attacked me with all it's glory i was thinking what to write. Mental not: When a good idea makes a fleeting appearance, do write it down! Not much has happened - how could it when i'm a hermit?!
But i did make a second attempt at cooking quinoa today. Last time i just boiled it in plain water and it turned out kind of, sludgy.. But today, today i am the queen of quinoa! So, i squeezed the juice from an entire lime, added half a tbls of cajun spice, popped in a vegetable stock cube, added a whole garlic clove (take that out when the quinoa is cooked) and half an onion, seasoned to taste. When the quinoa cooked in this it tasted like nectar from an asian angel! What's more, it taste just as nice cold. So tomorrow i'm going to make a leafy salad and have some of my delicious quinoa!

Oh i almost forgot! Me and my mum lit a fire in her garden tonight and we cooked some potatoes on the logs. A-freaking-mazing! I only had 3 of them though as they were slathered in garlic oil.. There's something so peaceful and somewhat prehistoric about sitting around a fire in -degree weather, with four layer of clothing on.

So my intake today is:

1 slice of toast - 99

Baked Beans - 150

3 Potatoes - 150?

3 Tbls of quinoa - 60?

1 Apple - 70

Options hot chocolate - 50

1 Kiwi - 30
Cuppa soup - 60

Total:  669 calories

And that's absolute maximum. I've over estimated on some items just to be extra cautious. Hope everyone's day has been just as fruitful! M x

Renewal

So back to it tomorrow. Maximum of 800 calories. Luckily my next 'cheat' day will be on Easter Sunday, which is goody for me! Starting to feel extremely guilty at the moment. I finished the night off with a Chinese takeaway. A portion big enough to feed two people. I'm desperately trying to keep my mind off my intake today.
It was probably a bad idea to weigh myself about 10 minutes ago. I am at a high 138lbs, and am feeling extremely disgusted in myself. Rightly so. I'm so desperate to be in control, and i like to think that i am. But i know in reality, i'm out of control. Whether i'm restricting or binging, i'm still out of control of my thoughts.

Tonight will consist of watching animated films. Why animated? Because they don't contain any beautiful actress with an amazing body. There are also animated films which i can't watch when i've binged - Beauty and the Beast, Tangled, Aladdin - Basically all the Disney princess films are off limits because i get immediately ashamed of myself and then extremely jealous of a fictional character.

Goodnight guys! M x

Teeth whitening

So i'm getting my teeth whitened soon, probably within the next 2-3 weeks. I can't begin to explain how excited i am! I've always had this complex about the shade of my teeth. And the best part (apart from the obvious whiter teeth..)? The proper stuff you get from the dentists leaves your teeth so painful that it's difficult to eat. Meaning i should be able to lose a cool 6lbs minimum before i go to Greece at the end of April!
You know you have disordered eating when you're grateful for pain so great it stops you eating properly..

On a depressing note, i binged today. Perhaps because it's Sunday, which is a cheat day for me. Here comes the mountainous list of bad food. 

• 1 apple
• 1/4 jar of peanut butter
• Tablespoon of jam
• 3 pieces of toast
• 3 small pancakes with maple syrup
• Brownie ice cream sundae, 713 cals!
• Half an easter egg
• 1 flake chocolate bar
• Glass of wine
• 1 hash brown

I think that's it. I refuse to even calculate the calories. It will only send me into a guilty frenzy. But knowing me there's probably a bit more, and more than likely more to come. I'm not feeling as guilty as i usually do. If i'm going to binge i'd rather binge on my 'cheat day'. Really wishing i could eat like a 'normal person' though on a cheat day.. Anyway that's it for the day.

M x

Ps, I bought a hoola hoop today! I had no idea that hoola hooping is not a simple, 'move your hips round in a circle'. Let's just say i can keep the hoop spinning for a good 5 seconds. But i'm definitely going to practice. It's so much more fun that doing sit up's to tone your core.

Saying goodbye

Yesterday i went to the shopping centre with my dad and brother. My brother desperately wanted to spoil me. But because i'm feeling so... bleurgh(?) i could only manage to get some tops. Absolutely NO shorts or trousers. Although earlier on that day i did buy some lovely khaki colour jeggings. They are chic looking!

After shopping, both my dad and my brother wanted a pizza from 'Pizza Express'. Well of course, my brother managed to find a '3 courses for £12' deal online. Uh oh. Skipping to the point i had, dough balls with garlic butter as a starter, margarita pizza with jalapenos as a main, and the creme de le creme, a chocolate fudge cake slice with vanilla gelato. Probably 2000+ calories in the that one meal..

Needless to say i did not weight myself today, and i have stuck to 800 cals as well. My brother is going back to Brunei tomorrow/today. I can't even explain how much i'm going to miss him. He's such a nice calming influence when he's around. But in another way i can't wait for him to go, because then i won't have to go eat in a restaurant most nights and i can't restrict to my hearts content. Not only is my brother going back, but my dad is going to Italy for a week this Friday. So i'll have full control as to what goes into the fridge! Yes!! If i don't lose a minimum of 3lbs while he's away, i don't even know how i'll react.

That's it for now. M x

Three posts in one day!

So i've decided against going to the doctors. I already know that the majority of my bad thoughts and feelings come from how i eat. So for now, i am going to plan my meals the night before. My only problem is, is that i'm racked with guilt if i go over a 1000 calories. And if i go under 500 calories i am guaranteed to binge later that night or the next morning. I'm tired of not being in control of my own thoughts. And i'm exhausted from the effort it takes to resist certain foods. If this doesn't work then i will definitely be going to the doctors.

My plan for tomorrow is:

B - Cornflakes with Almond Milk ~ 130 cals

L - Homemade vegetarian chilli, weight watchers tortilla, side sald ~ 250 cals

D - Vegan sausage, broccoli, runner beans, yorkshire pudding, onion gravy ~ 300 cals

Snacks - Apple ~ 70 cals

           - Kiwi ~ 50 cals

Total ~ 800 calories

I also always drink 1.5 liters of water a day, which keeps thirst and fake hunger at bay. But in the last week i've started doing a little bit of morning toning exercises, which consist of:

100 squats

100 sit ups

100 leg lifts on each leg

It's not much but i feel like it puts my head in the right space. Eventually i will start going out on fast walks/jogging. I'm desperately relying on this food plan to get my head back in the right place. I need to get back to the laid back person i used to be. I need to go out with friends (even if i have nothing in common with any of them), and i need to kiss a stranger, get drunk and just generally do normal 18 year old stuff.

M x

 

Doctors

I think i'm going to have to make an appointment with a doctor. Depression runs in my family and i feel as if what i'm thinking/feeling isn't normal. My eating is way out of hand; restrict, binge, restrict, binge etc.. Loneliness has surrounded me and i don't know how to escape it. And i'm not sure i want to. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. To the point of being the master of hiding my feelings behind an invisible mask whenever i'm in somebody's company. I feel lost, alone, and empty. I need help.

Lonely anxious mess

Remember i told you that my brother was back from Brunei? Well my anxiety with men has reached such a pinochle that i couldn't bring myself to go out shopping with him. My own brother. He wanted to take me to the nearest mall and spoil me, but i just couldn't do it. This is major step back for me. I'm so ashamed of myself. What kind of person is so messed up that spending the day out with her older brother brings on too much anxiety to go??

Also, i've been pretty lonely these last few months. I'm so used to staying in and hiding away from everyone, that whenever i get invited out somewhere my whole body fills with dread. And i end up ringing the person up and making some dumb excuse not to go. I haven't been out with friends in over 5 months. I also don't see the point in going out with anyone, because all of my mates are the typical 20 something year olds. They go out to drunk and to get laid.
Me being a person who drinks socially and not solely for the purpose of getting drunk, and me also being a virgin, kind of hinders how i connect with them.
I think i want to live in London and have friends who like the things i do; Books, Theatre  Movies, Talk about food. All i know is that i need to escape where i live now.
I'm thinking that when i go to Greece in May i will have a look around for jobs out there, and maybe stay out there just for a few months. Then hopefully i'll grow some big manly balls, and finally do a working holiday in Australia for a year.

So many scrambled thoughts. I think i just need a good cry.. Anyway, calories have been fine today - 500 cals. Hopefully my next post won't be so depressing..

M x

AWOL

So i will admit, i have been ever so slightly AWOL lately. There are a few good reasons though! First, i have felt too guilty to post as i have been gorging on food in the last week. Maybe because my period was due (tmi?), or just maybe because i have little to no self control around all food. Both sweet and savory.

Second, i have been ill. The type of cold that surpasses a normal cold, but isn't quite the flu. So my energy has been at 0% (although i still managed to feed my gluttony). But i am finally at my best again!

Third, i had a singing lesson the other day. Now i've had a singing lesson with a man before in Cardiff. But as he quickly revealed himself as a pompous, arrogant, unfriendly little man that he is, i left and never returned. But the lady i went to this time is lovely! Apparently my voice type is alto and mezzo soprano, which is supposedly extremely good for someone who has never had singing experience. I love singing! It's one of my great pleasures in life!

So they are my excuses. I hope they're good enough? I'm currently watching 'Beauty and the Beast' and pondering many things. Including, Belle (Pocahontas being a close second) has got to be the prettiest Disney princess. It may be something to do with the fact that she is an intellectual and isn't a damsel in distress. And also wondering why there haven't really been any good red headed princesses.. 'The Little Mermaid' just annoys me and i actually refused to see 'Brave' because quite frankly, Disney animated films should be in 2D. Not bloody 3D or whatever that film was. I'm a girl who grew up in the 90's when Disney was at the top of it's game! And i'm yet to watch a Disney that has the same charm and mysterious charisma that the 90's one had.

Added extra - I had a job offer today at Coffee #1! It was too far away, but i have been notified that i am at the top of the list to be called when a local Coffee #1 job comes up!

Anyway, tomorrow my brother is back from Brunei for a week, before he jets back again. So i'll update again in a couple of days!

Losertown

Has anyone heard of Losertown? Basically, it's a website that you enter your weight, height, daily calorie intake and you activity level. It then predicts how much weight you're going to lose by a particular date. Don't take it too seriously - anything that says you're going to be -20lbs within a year can't be too accurate.. But it's a good thing to keep motivations up. And give or take a couple lbs it's normally relatively correct. Anyway i'll post a link! Enjoy!

                                                     http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php 

M x

I enjoyed my tortilla/fajita make shift pizza so much yesterday, that i had another today! But this time i took a picture. It is scrummy! And has fast become one of my favourite meals! It's the exact same recipe as i posted before. Here it is! And at only 160 calories, it's much better than any pizza.

Recipe - Weight watcher tortilla
              Tomato puree
              Jalapenos
              Mozzarella
              Basil olive oil
In the oven for 7 minutes on 180.

Having a left hand that has been partially crushed, had the majority of it's ligaments torn, has nerve problems in the little finger and has two broken fingers, is making it extremely hard to teach myself how to play the guitar...

On a slightly related note, there's a high chance i'm in love with Samantha Barks (google her). I would happily turn gay for. In fact, i wouldn't hesitate for a second if she popped up in my house and asked me to runaway with her to Gretna Green Scotland, to elope.

Can't update you on my weight today, as i'm attempting to stay off the scales until Monday morning. But hopefully things will be good!

Hope everyone is well!

M x

'Wicked'

I'm going to see 'Wicked' in the West End in the summer! And seeing that it has one of my all time favourite songs i'm super excited! So in honour of the moment, i have decided to upload a recording/video of me singing the opening part of 'Defying Gravity' acapella style!

Enjoy! And please, if you have anything to say, whether criticism or praise, then share away! I'm always open to improvement so i'd actually prefer if you could offer me some idea's on how to improve myself! Either comment on here, or on youtube.

I am slowly training my voice to sing the entire sing, to which i will then put the music to. So for now, this is just an extract. Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjMji4LVMwg

Make shift pizza

Desperation for pizza struck today! Instead of running to get a delicious Mars & Spencers one, i decided to try and make out of what i had in the fridge. Well it turned out yummy! All i did was get a weight watchers fajita, spread some tomato paste on it, cut up some mozzarella and spread that on it, with some jalapenos  Put it in the oven for 7 minutes at 180 and, voila! I'd put a picture up but.. well, i demolished before a picture could happen...

Change of pace.. I've been trying to upload a video on here but am finding it impossible! It starts processing and then a little window pops up saying "error". Can anyone offer any advice?

"There is more treasure in books than in all the 

pirate's loot on Treasure Island."

Walt Disney

Binge-athon

The last three days have been my own personnel binge-athon. I can't remember what i ate the first night.. What i do remember is being good the entire day and then, that night i made some pasta with chilli sauce. From there on i just remember having 3 -4 portions of pasta, half a loaf of bread, chips and vegetarian meatballs and much much more.

Yesterday i woke up in a "I hate everyone" type of mood. Anything could have put me in floods of tears. I held out until my mum forced me into her car and took me to a beautiful little town called Tintern. I remember having a bounty bar, a hob nob biscuit and a cream tea with all the trimmings (veganism has apparently left me..), and then i had half a pot of Moroccan hummus. I can't remember if i had anything else..

Today was the worst. It all started when me and my dad had an argument which resulted in him telling me "Piss off!" Which i quite happily did. I marched over to my mums and just crashed in her spare room. Are you ready for the onset of food? Prepare yourself! I think i'm just gonna bullet point it instead:

• Slice of thick white toast and jam
• Caramel Machiato
• 3 homemade scones with jam
• A mini Pizza
• 2 portions of pasta with chilli sauce and meatballs  
• 2/3rd of a packet of jam and cream mini rolls
• Large pot of sour cream and onion pringles
• 2 Twirls
• A bottle of Bulmers pear cider

Granted, the last five items were my dads way of apologising to me. But i don't know why i ate all of it at once. I feel like a blob. Whats worse is that in May i'm going to Greece for a week (might decide to stay out there), and i have to buy new summer clothes and a bikini. And i'm desperate to buy size 8 shorts that won't be even slightly tight. 

On another note, isn't it funny how you can read someones blog and instantly feel like you connect with them as a person? And feel like if we had met in another lifetime we would have been the best of chums. Well obviously, that can't be but i will direct you to her blog http://blackbook-115.blogspot.co.uk/ (Note: Gabrielle, if you wish for me to take this link down, then just send me a quick message or just comment, and i will do so without hesitation).

Anyway that's it for tonight. Wait! I forgot to say, after 3 days of bingeing i now weigh 136lbs. I'm sure that number will have increased by the time i wake up tomorrow. And finally, leaving on that pretty bum note..

Goodnight!

Mx

Quick Post

Just a quick update. Not feeling too fresh today. Any food today:

Apple x2 - 120 cals

Orange - 60 cals

Baked Beans on Toast - 350 cals

Peanuts - 60 cals

Vegan ice cream - 200 cals

Total intake -  760 cals

I also hopped on the scales this morning and i was 9st 9! So everything is slowly dwindling down.

That's it for today, sorry there's no more guys. But i will leave you with a nice message from Dr Seuss:

"Those who mind don't matter, and those

who matter don't mind."

Crap.

Woke up feeling extremely dizzy. When i got out of bed i almost fell over because my head was swimming that much. But this was a very familiar dizziness, one that i used to experience almost daily a few years ago. It was the 'low blood sugar' dizziness. Well, seeing that i'm going on a long trip today i can't afford to almost fainting whenever i decide to move. So i decided to go and get a piece of toast and jam. Bad move. I grabbed two pieces of toast, slathered them with jam. Ran back to the bread bin, grabbed another piece of toast, this time with butter and marmite. You think i;m done? Nope. I also then made porridge with milk!! I'm practically a vegan and i had milk!!

Needless to say, i'm feeling extremely guilty from overeating and from having an animal product. After devouring the milky porridge i feel like i have some parasite dwelling in me. A cruel cruel parrasite. I can't even purge as my gag reflex is practically non-existent.

Anyway now 'bingeing bells' are going off in my head. And all i can think about is overeating. I've had enough sugar though. All i want is savoury food! And seeing that i'm gonna be eating out today with my mum i don't see how i'm going to be able to resist, seeing that i've already screwed my day up monumentally. I think i'm gonna have to go and buy some vegan ice cream, just in case i have another 'low blood sugar day' and i don't reach for the milk..

Good and Bad

I'm going to start off with listing what i've eaten today:

Baked Beans - 147 cals

Pink lady apple - 60 cals

Orange x2 - 120

Vegetable Soup - 188

Total calories: 515

I'm not particularly happy about this. I feel like i've eaten too little and that when i wake up tomorrow, i will pay for it with a dizzy head and no energy. I haven't even tried to avoid food today, i've just had zero appetite.. I'm not sure if my dads illness had finally spread it's wings and joined me. Although it could be that i only had 4 hours sleep last night, and am therefore exhausted. I guess the plus side to this is that i should definitely be lower than 139lbs tomorrow morning.

I'm starting to plan my day around sleeping, as in, i won't let myself fall asleep until a specific time, meaning that i won't wake up too early. That and the lack of either food or an immune system is rendering me useless in the evenings..

But tomorrow should be good! I'm off to one of my favourite places, Tenby! You know those places where you feel instantly at home and at peace? Well i have three of them, Chepstow/Tutshill, Tenby and Greece. So being able to wander the familiar cobble streets, wander down the deserted beach, and sit in my favourite restaurant with a good book, is sounding extremely dreamy and therapeutic.

Ending the blog on a random and seemingly egotistical note.. Last night i had like, a three second dream which i can remember vividly. I dreamt i was in Tesco's reaching for some vegan mango ice cream. That's it! Although i was viewing myself through someone else's eyes. So all i saw was a svelte young woman, wearing light blue denim shorts, brown swede ankle boots and a red tartan type shirt, with my hair in a ponytail. It was an incredibly motivational few seconds, being able to see what i could look like and what i could be wearing this summer.

M x

Bugger

I buggered up. My body refused to switch off last night, keeping me awake until 5:20am. I then didn't go on my jog. Slept until 8am, 'till i had to let the dog out and feed the rabbit. And instead of fasting, i grabbed a microwave pot of baked beans (147 cals) and devoured those with gusto! So let's list the mishaps of the day, bearing in mind i've only been awake for an hour and 45 mins:

• Didn't have 8 hours sleep.
• Didn't go on the jog.
• Didn't start the day with a 24 hour fast.

I think the reason i practically inhaled the baked beans is because i did my mandatory weigh in and, instead of being 145lbs, my body has allowed me to be 139lbs. This is in the space of a day. That's a hell of a lot of water weight! Although i'm pretty sure i'm now at least 140lbs after the baked beans and pint of water..

I think i'm gonna try and blog my food intake. I'm thinking if my consumption is out there for everyone to see then the shame of posting my binge episodes will be enough to stop me? Maybe.. Here's hoping to no more screw ups throughout the day!

M x

Ramblings of an Exhausted Mind

It's now 3:25am as i write this. I have been led in bed, wrapped in a cocoon of cosiness, yet i can't sleep. My mind is all scattered. When i read this particular post tomorrow i'll probably realise too late that it makes no sense, and it is really just the ramblings of a mentally exhausted mind.

Seeing that i plan on doing a quick 24 hour fast, and that i haven't slept a wink, i'm kinda thinking that going for a jog would be kind of idiotic. So instead, if i don't fall asleep by 6am i will pour myself a nice hot bubbly bath, and soak for an hour with 'How to kill a mockingbird'. At around 8am i'll pop into my mums for an espresso, and then hopefully (hopefully!!) i'll be able to sleep the day away and not worry too much about not eating anything.

Random thought - Two years ago my hair was half way down my back. I'm the type of person who gets bored extremely easily. So when i got bored with my hair, i promptly went to the hairdressers, made an appointment, and two days later i had all my hair cut off, all but 2 inches. It was the most freeing experience i have ever encountered. But obviously there's only so much you can do with 2 inches of hair, so within a few months i grew restless again and decided to grow it out again. It's now almost down to my shoulders. I was thinking how nice it would be to be able to jump out of the shower, with hair that goes down to my waist, and just let it air dry, and then either leaving it down or putting it up in a quick messy bun. No fuss and no need to straighten it like i have to do now (ginger hair that has a tendency to become half afro when there's no extra hair to weigh it down, is not a good look).

Blergh. My mind is everywhere and nowhere. It's been a long time since i've decided to fast. I'm not sure if i'm heading down "a dangerous road" again like i did when i was 15. And to be honest i'm scared of my thoughts about food and calories. But i'm also partly ecstatic that i'm gaining control again, which makes me slightly scared again.. And then i'm thinking about Australia, and when i plan to move there for a year. But that's a post for another time... perhaps tomorrow..

Anyway i want to end this post on a high note. I read a lovely quote the other day, which makes me feel just slightly brighter -

"Believing that everybody is beautiful, doesn't mean that you

have to find everyone beautiful. It means you believe

that everybody is beautiful to somebody."

M x

Devoid of Sleep

So i'm led in bed and sleep is avoiding me. It may have something to do with the obscene amount of carbs i ate just a few hours ago.. But as i read through and criticised my first post i realised that it comes across as being extremely food orientated. I don't want this. So i am basically just confirming to myself (and to others who may read this), that this blog won't be all about my body issues or my issues with food.

Instead i want to see it contain pictures and writings of things that inspire me and maybe someone else. So although it will primarily drone on about how anxious, sad, and selfish i feel, it will also contain little crumbs of happiness! 

Prepare your mind, for every now and then, a motivational saying, a beautiful landscape, an old bookshop or two, may pop up on your screen!

Anyway, i'm supposed to be waking up in 4hrs 30mins to go on my early jog. Just the thought of having to get out of my super cosy bed to assault my senses with the cold, fresh air is both angering and inspiring. So for now i bid my blogger farewell!

Hwyl Fawr!

M x