Back in Time

I don't know why i want to go back to the time of 126lbs. I was so unhappy back then, and i was just as miserable if not a bit more, about my weight as well. But i feel like my life has taken a turn for the worse, and so i need to be back to 126lbs. But i just can't stop binging. At least back then i had a dieting buddy. Someone i could share my problems with. I miss that.
On Monday i might fast for a few days. I'm so miserable and so lonely. I want a friend who i can talk about with all my food and body thoughts.

Edit:- I just calculated my "ideal weight" in this online calculator thing. Now i knwo these things are more often than not, crap. But telling me ideal weight as a 5'9 woman is 152, but at least ranging between 135 and 168, is utter bullshit. I'm 140lbs now and i look chubby. God can only imagine what i would look like in the 160's...
On another note, i've decided to just eat as little as possible. But not counting calories. Therefore i won't freak out and binge if i go over my allotted amount of calories.

Mx

Sing song letters

Yesterday was brilliant, eating wise! I followed my plan to a tea and, voila! It worked. Today? Not so much. I think because i didn't write/type it down then i felt like i didn't have to follow it. Like what was the point? Basically, i binged. Throughout the damn day! So tomorrow i will be having:

Porridge with golden syrup - 250

Apple - 70

Roasted vegetables - 150

Mixed Nuts - 130

Rice with peas and onion - 450(?)

Total - 1050

Yesterday i also got asked out by a guy i've known since year 9 of secondary school.. I'm gonna say no but i don't know how to say it without hurting him. I mean we're good friends and all, but i think we're good friends because i don't see him that often. He has the exact same personality as me and an extremely dry sense of humor which i love! But he also has the capabilities of being passively controlling, which is not what i want. And although he's the same age as me, he's still a boy. I want a man. And i want to be courted - is that too much to ask for in the 21st century?!  Don't get me wrong i don't expect hand written letters and serenades but, i want cheesy romance and to feel both terrified and completely safe at the same time. Maybe i'm after something i've read so many times in my various books. Maybe it's not out here in the real world. Or maybe, just maybe, if i hang on just a little while, my soul mate will appear. Here's hoping!

M x 

Child bearing hips.

I've always been small chested - 36A and proud! And i've always had slightly wide hips, but oh my god. If i lived in the 18th century and the whole 'women with red hair are witches' thing didn't exist, men would have been throwing themselves at me and my extra wide child bearing hips. I've just put on a "skater skirt", the ones that are supposed to be flattering on any figure, and i look hippy. Like i said i've always had wide hips, and i've always known that because i have small boobs i have to keep my hips in check so my body looks proportioned. Apparently, my body doesn't think so! It looks like my hips are proportioned so wide apart that i could give birth to a rhino with relative ease. And that's all because i have let myself lose control, and therefor fat has found it's little hibernating spot on my hips, bum and thighs. Even my stomach is starting to look soft! 

So i am doing a food plan. And instead of just writing my food plan down in my planner/diary, i'll also write in on my blog the day before. My food for tomorrow is - 

Porridge with golden syrup - 250

Apple - 70

Stirfry - 250 

Three bean soup - 300

Orange - 50

2 litres of water with squash - 60

Total - 980 Calories

In other news i was playing with my dog yesterday, and she's lurking in the area of nearly a mature dog and still being a puppy. Well her puppy self lets her get carried away when playing. So basically she accidentally bit me yesterday with her very adult teeth. She didn't pierce the skin but my arm is painful to the touch, red and blue, and slightly swollen. As soon as she did it, she stopped, slowly walked over to me and started licking 'the wound', bless her. I wanted to kill her and hug her all at the same time.

Oh and before i forget, i figured out that i'm only getting about £60 a week with my part time job. Which means i have to find another part time job. As soon as i do i think i'll get a Brazilian wax and join my local gym...

M x

Binge freaking binge

So i've been awol lately - again.. Mentally, i've had a crap week, and all the crap-ness revolves around the anxiety i have with food and my body. I am more than disappointed with myself, especially after giving that big speech like post last time i was on here about i had changed for good. The thing is at the moment the good days aren't outweighing the bad, it's the other way around. I thought what with me getting the job i've wanted since i was 12, and with a little Nissan Micra soon to be mine that i would be happy. But i'm not. I need to be thin. And i desperately want someone to share my life with. But it seems that i've wrapped my entire life up in a cocoon and nobody can penetrate it. I'm so incredibly unhappy.

So from now on i'll be having 500 calories every day. Except on my work days where i'll have 800 cals. Hopefully i'll see 126lbs flash up on my scales in a couple months this way.

Talking of weight, i went to have my measles injection yesterday and in the process i had an asthma check up. Well for some reason your weight and height is needed for this. So i reluctantly stepped on the scales to show all my fatty glory to the nurse and 138lbs. Fuck my life. To add insult to injury, today my ordered clothes came. And the size 10 that i always buy in jeans from this store were too small. I was horrified, and tried them on twice just to make sure that they in fact did not fit me in the slightest. So i'm not sure whether to return them or keep them just in case i somehow manage to fit in them one day? Anyway that incident sparked another binge episode. I've probably had near enough 3000 calories today, if not more.. Feel free to be disgusted in me. I know i am.

M x

Aunty

Today i found out i'm going to be an Aunty. My eldest brother and his wife of 1 year announced to me they were 7 weeks pregnant with their first child. This has put a lot of my thoughts into perspective. I refuse to be the Aunty who is more concerned about eating than taking her niece or nephew for an ice-cream (although i still plan to be vegan). Not just that, but when the baby is my age i will be 37. 37! It feels like my entire life has also been put into perspective. I want to be something for my niece or nephew. Whether that be a manager at my coffee shop or be a registered dietitian. All i know is that i want that child to look up to me.

So this is the end of my extremely low calorie diet. I may still have the odd bad day where i restrict, but as long as the good days outweigh the bad, then i know i'm on the right track. I'm still going to blog, but i'm going to blog about inspirational things.

At the moment i have some home cooked chips in the oven covered in cajun spice, baked beans and broccoli. Today has been extremely peacful for me, and hopefully soon i can welcome the new member of the family to all you guys. Not until Christmas though, as he or she is a Christmas miracle!

M x

Love

It feels like everything is slowly slipping into place. I have the job i've wanted since i was 12 and i get to work with the happiest and cookiest people ever. I genuinely enjoy work. All i need now is to meet a handsome man, who will hopefully sometime soon come into my little coffee shop. And he'll hopefully at the very least be into books, movies and care about animals. I think i'm finally ready to have a boyfriend. I feel emotionally stable in that area of my life. I want to laugh, cuddle, play fight, watch movies, actually fight, drink in a pub and meet his friends, have lots of love filled sex, and i want to fall asleep next to someone special feeling totally contented. I want to be in love. The kind of love where i wake up and think of him, the kind that i don't mind embarrassing myself with cheesy valentine gifts, the kind that consumes me.

But until that someone special comes into my life i'm happy fantasizing about Zachary Quinto as Spock. What a gorgeous half vulcan, half human he is!

M x

Pictures

This is me. My legs are out of shape and look shapeless and my hips look like i'm about to give birth to the Titanic. So far i've eaten 350 calories today, but i know that on the skinny girl diet you're not supposed to count fruit and veg, which technically leaves my calorie consumption at 250. I will get back down to 126 - 128 lbs.

M x

Skinny girl

Tomorrow i'm going to post some pictures of my grotesque body. I feel fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. What's more, i binged. Again. I've eaten nearly an entire packet of pasta throughout the day. Not to count the weetabix, and beans on toast. I'm miserable. I hate myself. And i hate that i haven't really posted anything uplifting. I'm probably tiring to read. In a way i wish that people knew how unhappy i am, but whenever i'm with someone i put on a mask of happiness, that diminishes as soon as i'm left alone.

Also, i'm also starting the 'Healthy Skinny Girl, because for some reason even though i'm disgusting i still want to remain healthy. I desperately don't want to ruin my health for the long term. Here's a link for the 'Healthy skinny Girl' diet, just in case anyone else wants to follow it -

http://thinspirationaljourney.wordpress.com/2012/06/24/the-healthy-skinny-girl-diet/

M x

I got a job at Coffee #1! Happiest girl ever!

Plan.

So i'm now a high 10st. It is 23:45 so chances are i'm a pound or two lighter, but for now i am a disgustingly large 140lbs. My new plan is to lose 10 - 12 lbs, aiming to lose 1lbs a week. I know this is an extremely low and slow way of losing the pounds. But i figure if i don't put too much pressure on myself then i'll be more successful, and therefore maybe lose 2+ of fat (not water weight) a week. It also means that if i step on the scales an i've only lost a dismal pound i won't feel too bummed out.
With me starting quite an energetic job soon - at coffee #1! - where i'll be on my feet for at least 5 hours a day rushing around, the weight should hopefully drop off. Having to stand up and walk around while carrying heavy trays, and mot being able to eat anything there because i'm a vegan? Brilliant!
I also have my teeth whitening here, so i'll be using that for 4 - 5 hours a day. Within those hours i can't eat or drink (i can maybe have water), which is another good distraction.

Anyway tomorrow i'll post some pictures of my disgusting  untoned, dumpy, chunky body. Hopefully this will keep me motivated and i'll be able to post slimmer pictures in a month or so..

M x

P.s. I actually feel kinda lost when none of the people i'm following actually post anything for days. Whether it's happy or sad, just know that reading your words takes me out of my world. Even if only for 5 minutes.

Habitual Eater

I solemnly swear that i am, a habitual eater. I didn't realize until today. I woke up at 8:00 and went downstairs to get my daily apple for breakfast, and there were no apples. I just stared blankly into the fridge. Perhaps hoping that if i concentrated enough, maybe an apple would materialize out of nowhere.. No such luck. What followed was a minor freak out, several 'rechecks' in the fridge and me walking around the house aimlessly. Well that was it. Day ruined. In my screwed up head, because i couldn't have the breakfast that i always have - no exception - i thought "fuck it". Binge mode!

As i was up early so my dad could go to hospital to have his heart checked - he had major heart surgery when i was 2 - i decided to pop into Waitrose, and get a '5 a day selection'. That was the start of the end. So, i may have forgotten a few things, but here's my list (and the calories i remember):

5 a day fruit selection - 224

Pom bear crisps - 97

Soy latte - 150

Shreddies with almond milk - 250

Jam sandwich - 150

Linda McCartney pie - 412

Vegetables - 50

Jam sandwich x2 - 300

McCoys - 200

Nuts - 200

Total: 2033

I'm a blimp.

I've also realized that me on 500 calories a day doesn't function. Especially since i'll be starting a job where i'm on my feet for 12 hours a day soon. So every other day i'll eat 500 calories, and on the in-between days i'll eat a 'normal' 1500 - 2000 cals. Hopefully this will also stop my body from going into fat storing starvation mode.

And lastly, hello to my second follower! I'm sorry i couldn't welcome you with a more upbeat post... But seeing i have another follower has lifted my mood considerably! Although i will give you a good inspirational quote.

M x

"It is during our darkest moments

that we must focus to

see the light."

Nak'd

Nak'd bars are awesome. If you haven't tried them, then i seriously suggest you do! The 'Cocoa orange' one is actually better than chocolate in my opinion. It's like 'Terry's chocolate orange' brownie, only vegan with no gluten or wheat. And the 'Strawberry crunch' tastes like summer!

Anyway today i seem to be back on track. Intake:

Apple

1 Carrot stick

Nak'd strawberry crunch

Nak'd cocoa orange

Frosted shreddies

Almond milk

500 calories

Keep safe everyone! M x

Some sort of philistine

Binged. Ate 2500 calories so far. I don't know what wrong with me. I haven't been this out of control with my eating in 6 months. Food has started controlling me and i am not okay with that. My jeans are so tight they feel like some sort of constricting snake. Binge freaking binge. My legs are actually chubby. I'm not stupid so i know i can't have the body i did when i was 15 as i'm now a bloody 'woman'. When i told my mum i want to lose weight she actually encouraged me. She used to worry when i said that and say anything to try and stop me. Where has my control gone?!

Tomorrow i am going to wake up, eat an apple and drink a pint of water. And then i'll go upstairs and watch 'A secret between friends/When friendship kills' and 'For the love of Nancy', hoping that this will essentially trigger me so i can resume my forgotten control around food.

I'm feeling extremely down and disgusting today. Some would say blimp like. Not even lying out on a blanket, in the garden while the sun shone and i read 'The Child Thief' cheered me up... Roll on teeth whitening and starting my job (which will keep my eating at bay)!

Sorry for another depressing post. I always feel like i should be chirpy but lately i'm just not.

M x

Edit: 3000 calories. Christ sake.

5:2 Diet

I had a good old chat with my brilliant dentist earlier, and somehow we got onto the subject of food. Well basically he told me he's doing the latest 5:2 Diet. He's lost loads of weight, and quite frankly he looks brilliant! Basically twice a week you have a "fast" day, where women only eat 500 calories and men 600. Then on the other days you can eat your normal 1500 - 2500 calories. I think you've already guessed what i'm gonna say next.. I'm definitely doing this! I am determined to get back down to 126lbs!

Anyway, i binged today. I need to get my eating under control. I'm either restricting to the point of dizziness or, bingeing so bad that my stomach is painful. So intake:

Apple - 70

Beans on Toast - 350

Peanut Butter and Crumpet - 160

Rice - 400

Roasted broccoli and asparagus - 40

6 Jammie Dodgers - 500

2 Jam Sandwiches - 400

Total - 1920 calories

Trying to keep in mind that on Friday i am having my first bout of teeth whitening. That's keeping my feeling above depressed/nearly suicidal.. I think, seeing as i can sleep 'till past midday, tomorrow will be a 500 calorie day. Wish me luck!

M x

Peanut bloody Butter (long post)

My excuse? Sometimes a girl just needs Peanut Butter. Granted, that said girl doesn't need to eat two crumpets slathered with it and then eat a piece of bread again slathered, but this time sharing itself with raspberry conserve.. But the deed is done!

Now it might be the fact that i've just binged (who said vegans can't find unhealthy foods?!), but i have just walked past the mirror while holding my top up slight and i noticed a frigging muffin top. A muffin top people!! It was only minor, but a 19 year old should not have one. End of. So either i buy bigger sized jeans or i slim down. We all know it's gonna be the latter! This means i will have to stop baking my stupidly good vegan brownies, and i won't be able to scamper over to my mums to demolish the Peanut Butter. But hey, if i've managed to go three weeks without a scrap of chocolate/sweets/cake/ice cream, i imagine i can somehow stop myself from avoiding the others...

I am at a high 9st 12 (138lbs), and although i sound relatively cheery, this number makes me angry/upset/disgusted. Feelings of which make me binge, which in turn make my weight go up. Cruel circle! I know what you're thinking, "5ft 9 and weighing 9st 12? That's healthy and slim!" Maybe i have body dysmorphia?

And on another note, i've been eating seriously too much bread lately. Like half a loaf each day (with raspberry conserve)! And it's definitely affected me in a couple areas. My skin is breaking out and my uhh, bowel movements are not as they should be. So a full weeks of high fiber is in order!

This is dress that i have just for weddings (i have one specifically for funerals to..). I've hung it up on my curtain rail to constantly remind myself that i need to lose weight, if i ever want to sit down in it. God forbid if i try and do that now! Otherwise i'll have to just awkwardly stand up with my legs plastered together by the tightness of this dress.. It does give the illusion of the most amazing curves though!

I promise to post at least every other day! M x