So i've been awol lately - again.. Mentally, i've had a crap week, and all the crap-ness revolves around the anxiety i have with food and my body. I am more than disappointed with myself, especially after giving that big speech like post last time i was on here about i had changed for good. The thing is at the moment the good days aren't outweighing the bad, it's the other way around. I thought what with me getting the job i've wanted since i was 12, and with a little Nissan Micra soon to be mine that i would be happy. But i'm not. I need to be thin. And i desperately want someone to share my life with. But it seems that i've wrapped my entire life up in a cocoon and nobody can penetrate it. I'm so incredibly unhappy.
So from now on i'll be having 500 calories every day. Except on my work days where i'll have 800 cals. Hopefully i'll see 126lbs flash up on my scales in a couple months this way.
Talking of weight, i went to have my measles injection yesterday and in the process i had an asthma check up. Well for some reason your weight and height is needed for this. So i reluctantly stepped on the scales to show all my fatty glory to the nurse and 138lbs. Fuck my life. To add insult to injury, today my ordered clothes came. And the size 10 that i always buy in jeans from this store were too small. I was horrified, and tried them on twice just to make sure that they in fact did not fit me in the slightest. So i'm not sure whether to return them or keep them just in case i somehow manage to fit in them one day? Anyway that incident sparked another binge episode. I've probably had near enough 3000 calories today, if not more.. Feel free to be disgusted in me. I know i am.
M x
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