Remember i told you that my brother was back from Brunei? Well my anxiety with men has reached such a pinochle that i couldn't bring myself to go out shopping with him. My own brother. He wanted to take me to the nearest mall and spoil me, but i just couldn't do it. This is major step back for me. I'm so ashamed of myself. What kind of person is so messed up that spending the day out with her older brother brings on too much anxiety to go??
Also, i've been pretty lonely these last few months. I'm so used to staying in and hiding away from everyone, that whenever i get invited out somewhere my whole body fills with dread. And i end up ringing the person up and making some dumb excuse not to go. I haven't been out with friends in over 5 months. I also don't see the point in going out with anyone, because all of my mates are the typical 20 something year olds. They go out to drunk and to get laid.
Me being a person who drinks socially and not solely for the purpose of getting drunk, and me also being a virgin, kind of hinders how i connect with them.
I think i want to live in London and have friends who like the things i do; Books, Theatre Movies, Talk about food. All i know is that i need to escape where i live now.
I'm thinking that when i go to Greece in May i will have a look around for jobs out there, and maybe stay out there just for a few months. Then hopefully i'll grow some big manly balls, and finally do a working holiday in Australia for a year.
So many scrambled thoughts. I think i just need a good cry.. Anyway, calories have been fine today - 500 cals. Hopefully my next post won't be so depressing..
M x
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